#my pop media knowledge is actually so small i cry

[ethicsbutcher]

what chess piece represents you?

you are a white knight, the ideal hero, the man of the people. as the only type of piece that can jump over others, you can easily get yourself in or out of a situation - always catching people off guard. being a knight doesn't mean you have to be sworn to the crown, your first love is for the people around you, or maybe it's for yourself. knights are known to be eccentric and known to bend the rules in their favor. just be careful, for all your charisma, there is a limit to how far the truth will get you. will you bend your morals just like the truth? or will you stay your course, upon your trusty steed?

tagged by: @dispatched :) tagging: @absensia , @arcticrime , @scarworn , @mortange , @cursedher , @cultfic , @bielun , literally you who's reading this .

[littlemixnet]

To me, a good ally is someone who is consistent in their efforts – there’s a difference between popping on a pride playlist or sprinkling yourself in rainbow glitter once a year and actually defending LGBT+ people against discrimination. It means showing my LGBT+ fans that I support them wholeheartedly and am making a conscious effort to educate myself, raise awareness and show up whenever they need me to. It would be wrong of me to benefit from the community as a musician without actually standing up and doing what I can to support. As someone in the public eye, it’s important to make sure your efforts are not performative or opportunistic. I’m always working on my allyship and am very much aware that I’ve still got a lot of unlearning and learning to do. There are too many what I call ‘dormant allies’, believing in equality but not really doing more than liking or reposting your LGBT+ mate’s content now and again. Imagine if that friend then saw you at the next march, or signing your name on the next petition fighting for their rights? Being an ally is also about making a conscious effort to use the right language and pronouns, and I recently read a book by Glennon Doyle who spoke of her annoyance and disappointment of those who come out and are met with ‘We love you…no matter what’. I’d never thought of that expression like that before and it really struck a chord with me. ‘No matter what’ suggests you are flawed. Being LGBT+ is not a flaw. Altering your language and being conscious of creating a more comfortable environment for your LGBT+ family and friends is a good start. Nobody is expecting you to suddenly know it all, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a perfect ally. I’m still very much learning. Even recently, after our Confetti music video I was confronted with the fact that although we made sure our video was incredibly inclusive, we hadn’t brought in any actual drag kings. Some were frustrated, and they had every right to be. You can have the right intentions and still fall short. As an open ally I should have thought about that, and I hadn’t, and for that I apologise. Since then I’ve been doing more research on drag king culture, because it’s definitely something I didn’t know enough about, whether that was because it isn’t as mainstream yet mixed with my own ignorance. But the point is we mess up, we apologise, we learn from it and we move forward with that knowledge. Don’t let the fear of f**king up scare you off. And make sure you are speaking alongside the community, not for the community. Growing up in a small Northern working-class town, some views were, and probably still are, quite ‘old fashioned’ and small-minded. I witnessed homophobia at an early age. It was a common thought particularly among men that it was wrong to be anything but heterosexual. I knew very early on I didn’t agree with this, but wasn’t educated or aware enough on how to combat it. I did a lot of performing arts growing up and within that space I had many LGBT+ (mainly gay) friends. I’ve been a beard many a time let me tell you! But it was infuriating to see friends not feel like they could truly be themselves. When I moved to London I felt incredibly lonely and like I didn’t fit in. It was my gay friends (mainly my friend and hairstylist, Aaron Carlo) who took me under their wing and into their world. Walking into those gay bars or events like Sink The Pink, it was probably the first time I felt like I was in a space where everyone in that room was celebrated exactly as they are. It was like walking into a magical wonderland. I got it. I clicked with everyone. My whole life I struggled with identity – being mixed race for me meant not feeling white enough, or black enough, or Arab enough. I was a ‘tomboy’ and very nerdy. I suppose on a personal level that maybe played a part in why I felt such a connection or understanding of why those spaces for the LGBT+ community are so important. One of the most obvious examples of first realising Little Mix was having an effect in the community was that I couldn’t enter a gay bar without hearing a Little Mix song and watching numerous people break out into full choreo from our videos! I spent the first few years of our career seeing this unfold and knowing the LGBT+ fan base were there, but it wasn’t until I got my own Instagram or started properly going through Twitter DMs that I realised a lot of our LGBT+ fans were reaching out to us on a daily basis saying how much our music meant to them. I received a message from a boy in the Middle East who hadn’t come out because in his country homosexuality is illegal. His partner tragically took their own life and he said our music not only helped him get through it, but gave him the courage to start a new life somewhere else where he could be out and proud. There are countless other stories like theirs, which kind of kickstarted me into being a better ally. Another standout moment would be when we performed in Dubai in 2019. We were told numerous times to ‘abide by the rules’, which meant not promoting anything LGBT+ or too female-empowering (cut to us serving a four-part harmony to Salute). In my mind, we either didn’t go or we’d go and make a point. When Secret Love Song came on, we performed it with the LGBT+ flag taking up the whole screen behind us. The crowd went wild, I could see fans crying and singing along in the audience and when we returned it was everywhere in the press. I saw so many positive tweets and messages from the community. It made laying in our hotel rooms s**tting ourselves that we’d get arrested that night more than worth it. It was through our fans and through my friends I realised I need to be doing more in my allyship. One of the first steps in this was meeting with the team at Stonewall to help with my ally education and discussing how I could be using my platform to help them and in turn the community. Right now, and during lockdown, I’d say my ally journey has been a lot of reading on LGBT+ history, donating to the right charities and raising awareness on current issues such as the conversion therapy ban and the fight for equality of trans lives. Stonewall is facing media attacks for its trans-inclusive strategies and there is an alarming amount of seemingly increasing transphobia in the UK today and we need to be doing more to stand with the trans community. Still, there is definitely a pressure I feel as someone in the public eye to constantly be saying and doing the right things, especially with cancel culture becoming more popular. I s**t myself before most interviews now, on edge that the interviewer might be waiting for me to ‘slip up’ or I might say something that can be misconstrued. Sometimes what can be well understood talking to a journalist or a friend doesn’t always translate as well written down, which has definitely happened to me before. There’ve been moments where I’ve (though well intentioned) said the wrong thing and had an army of Twitter warriors come at me. Don’t get me wrong, there are obviously more serious levels of f**king up that are worthy of a cancelling. But it was quite daunting to me to think that all of my previous allyship could be forgotten for not getting something right once. When that’s happened to me before I’ve scared myself into thinking I should STFU and not say anything, but I have to remember that I am human, I’m going to f**k up now and again and as long as I’m continuing to educate myself to do better next time then that’s OK. I’m never going to stop being an ally so I need to accept that there’ll be trickier moments along the way. I think that might be how some people may feel, like they’re scared to speak up as an ally in case they say the wrong thing and face backlash. Just apologise to the people who need to be apologised to, and show that you’re doing what you can to do better and continue the good fight. Don’t burden the community with your guilt. When it comes to the music industry, I’m definitely seeing a lot more LGBT+ artists come through and thrive, which is amazing. Labels, managements, distributors and so forth need to make sure they’re not just benefiting from LGBT+ artists but show they’re doing more to actually stand with them and create environments where those artists and their fans feel safe. A lot of feedback I see from the community when coming to our shows is that they’re in a space where they feel completely free and accepted, which I love. I get offered so many opportunities to do with LGBT+ based shows or deals and while it’s obviously flattering, I turn most of them down and suggest they give the gig to someone more worthy of that role. But really, I shouldn’t have to say that in the first place. The fee for any job I do take that feels right for me but has come in as part of the community goes to LGBT+ charities. That’s not me blowing smoke up my own arse, I just think the more of us and big companies that do that, the better. We need more artists, more visibility, more LGBT+ mainstream shows, more shows on LGBT+ history and more artists standing up as allies. We have huge platforms and such an influence on our fans – show them you’re standing by them. I’ve seen insanely talented LGBT+ artist friends in the industry who are only recently getting the credit they deserve. It’s amazing but it’s telling that it takes so long. It’s almost expected that it will be a tougher ride. We also need more understanding and action on the intersectionality between being LGBT+ and BAME. Racism exists in and out of the community and it would be great to see more and more companies in the industry doing more to combat that. The more we see these shows like Drag Race on our screens, the more we can celebrate difference. Ever since I was a little girl, my family would go to Benidorm and we’d watch these glamorous, hilarious Queens onstage; I was hooked. I grew up listening to and loving the big divas – Diana Ross (my fave), Cher, Shirley Bassey, and all the queens would emulate them. I was amazed at their big wigs, glittery overdrawn make-up and fabulous outfits. They were like big dolls. Most importantly, they were unapologetically whoever the f**k they wanted to be. As a shy girl who didn’t really understand why the world was telling me all the things I should be, I almost envied the queens but more than anything I adored them. Drag truly is an art form, and how incredible that every queen is different; there are so many different styles of drag and to me they symbolise courage and freedom of expression. Everything you envisioned your imaginary best friend to be, but it’s always been you. There’s a reason why the younger generation are loving shows like Drag Race. These kids can watch this show and not only be thoroughly entertained, but be inspired by these incredible people who are unapologetically themselves, sharing their touching stories and who create their own support systems and drag families around them. Now and again I think of when I’d see those Queens in Benidorm, and at the end they’d always sing I Am What I Am as they removed their wigs and smudged their make up off, and all the dads would be up on their feet cheering for them, some emotional, like they were proud. But that love would stop when they’d go back home, back to their conditioned life where toxic heteronormative behaviour is the status quo. Maybe if those same men saw drag culture on their screens they’d be more open to it becoming a part of their everyday life. I’ll never forget marching with Stonewall at Manchester Pride. I joined them as part of their young campaigners programme, and beforehand we sat and talked about allyship and all the young people there asked me questions while sharing some of their stories. We then began the march and I can’t explain the feeling and emotion watching these young people with so much passion, chanting and being cheered by the people they passed. All of these kids had their own personal struggles and stories but in this environment, they felt safe and completely proud to just be them. I knew the history of Pride and why we were marching, but it was something else seeing what Pride really means first hand. My advice for those who want to use their voice but aren’t sure how is, just do it hun. It’s really not a difficult task to stand up for communities that need you. Change can happen quicker with allyship.

Jade Thirlwall on the power, and pressures, of being an LGBT ally: ‘I’m gonna f**k up now and again’

[twinklelilstarkey]

Bad Day - Nolan Patrick

Words: 2.2k+

Type: Fluff and slight Angst

Summary: You and Nolan are very different. Your bubbly personality is something that does contrast with his own. Yet he finds himself lost when that so happy person loses her spark after a hard and sad day.

Warnings: A lot of crying over college stuff (negative grades, overworking, etc.). Affectionate reader. Slight mentions of blood (from falling).

You and Nolan have been dating for almost 2 years, now. Some people do agree that your relationship was quite odd when it began, but those who are the closest noticed how much you two belonged together.

The surprise behind your relationship is mostly around the topic of how your personalities are nothing alike. You are this loud, bubbly, excited and happy human being, and you’re dating this silent, introverted, deep-voiced man. He, obviously, isn’t so silent when he’s with his friends or you only, but people still describe him as so.

Sure, you understand the shock but you two truly love each other. And that should be the only thing that matters, right?

You and Nolan aren’t exactly very active on social media. Yet you post more pictures of yourself than he does. And just by your feed, people seem to notice how different you two are.

Some people find it cute, while others not all that much. So you two try to limit as much posts with the two of you together as possible. And even though that comes with a lot of rumoring of you breaking up, you’re just, honestly, trying to minimalize the hateful words you usually receive.

But, yes, you two are very different. 

You can notice that in how the two of you interact with each other. Nolan, being this more closed off person, doesn’t seek that much physical and affectional touch. Not as much as you, surely.

You hug him, cuddle him, snuggle onto him, kiss him, play with his hair, and so on. And you do that while battling his whines right in your ear of how he didn’t want to cuddle at that moment.

Bad thing for him, you look right through his shit. This man loves when you hug him, kiss him, play with his hair, etc.. He just doesn’t like to admit it.

Your affection doesn’t really leaves your apartment, since you two aren’t both two big fans of PDA. But, hand holding or hugging his arm close to you when it’s cold, is almost always happening when out of the house. Again, he doesn’t mind it at all.

And that’s literally how your relationship works - one whines and the other gives hugs.

Yesterday was a Sunday, and it went particularly well. It was Nolan’s day off, so he spent most of his day playing video games with his friends. You worked on an assignment while sitting next to him, and once when you were done, you sat in Nolan’s lap, ignored his protests - which lasted 10 seconds - and just fell asleep against his chest, completely exhausted with everything you’ve been doing for college. 

You honestly thought this week wouldn’t be all that bad since it doesn’t all that much going on. Weekend was good, and that usually was enough to set the mood for the rest of the days.

But, you thought wrong. Very wrong.

You went to college around the same time Nolan went to practice, you had breakfast together and everything was good. But that was until your teachers started to announce that they already had the grades of some tests and assignments.

In two of your 3 classes, today, a teacher gave you a grade. Both of them negative grades.

The worst part? You thought these were the two evaluations that had gone well and seemed pretty easy when you did them.

If this is your results to the ‘easy’ ones, what about the ones that you, actually, struggled with?

After college, you walked back to your apartment, eyes already covered with tears over your failed evaluations, and right as you’re about to get home, you trip over your own feet. 

Right when you looked down at Nolan’s text.

Even though nobody was in the street to see it, you felt more than humiliated. Your knee was now painted in dark red over the fresh wound, from your fall, and you were in pain.

This is just a whole recipe for disaster.

When you got home, Nolan was still not back. And that just helped you with wanting to break down more as you walked through lobby of your home. 

It’s usual warmth welcomed you home but it did not provide any sort of comfort.

You went into your phone to try and distract your mind by scrolling through social media or looking at pictures with your friends and Nolan. But from not the lack of social media in these last few days, you let your eyes focus on old notifications popping up, comments, which are a few days old. 

All of them negative.

From how you were using Nolan for his money or fame, to how unlucky he is to be dating someone like you. Insults were just scattered all throughout your feed. 

As if your day could get any worse.

After half an hour of crying, you were able to force yourself into taking care of your nasty wound. Yes, there were some more tears and sobs here and there. But you feel more calm than before.

You ended up not texting Nolan since you were too preoccupied after your fall to remember anything. And he found it strange. 

He had just texted you saying that practice was over when he got off the ice, and since then, he hasn’t received anything. 

He kept on checking his phone. He checked it when he took his gear off, after he showered, when he got dressed, etc.. He kept on doing it, and still nothing.

And now, you are laying on your bed, in way more comfortable clothes, and under your comfortable and fluffy duvet and a blanket over your head. Your lap top is right next to your head and only your face isn’t shielded from any colder temperatures.

Tears would make their way back to you in between every few seconds while you force your mind to focus on a random video of reality show highlights. It’s like you can’t really control your body anymore. 

Constantly reminding you of your failures as you keep on trying to focus on something else. But nothing. Nothing is working.

Over the loud background music and the dramatic screaming from your lap top, you don’t hear the front door of your apartment opening.

Nolan stands by the door, closing it behind him. He walks slowly to your living room, finding an empty couch. He checks the kitchen, still nothing. So he walks to your bedroom.

It’s awfully strange to not have you right around the corner to welcome him home. He had never noticed it before, but it had become apart of his routine already.

He opens the bedroom door slowly and his eyes finally find you. The slight creak of the door makes you look away from the screen and look up to find your boyfriend staring down at you.

To Nolan’s confusion, you didn’t do your usual ritual of when you spot him. You didn’t get up from your bed and gave him a kiss or a hug, you just continued to lay there.

Your eyes go back to the screen, fighting off your tears once more, and you hear Nolan start taking his shoes off.

He doesn’t say anything, filling the room in its natural silence, and walks to your side of the bed.

“Scoot over.” He whispers over the sound coming from your laptop.

You move your computer first, moving it to Nolan’s side of the bed, as you crawl to the middle. He slides under the duvet and blanket and you turn around, deciding to face him.

Nolan lays on his side, elbow on your pillow as he holds himself up and rests his face on his fist. His eyes are on you, studying your face, the way your eyes are slightly swollen and watery and how your lips seem to always curve in a small pout.

“What happened?” He whispers, not wanting to break the silence.

“Had a bad day.” You whisper back, blinking your tears away.

“Was it college?” He asks, you nod, “A test?”

You nod again and soon his face changes into a pitiful scowl. He feels bad for you, especially after yesterday, when you were so excited to finally have time for yourself. All of it ruined just because your grades are coming back to you as negatives.

“The other assignment I did, like, 2 weeks ago?” You ask him to see if he remembers, and he nods, “Failed that one too.”

Your voice is broken, your chin is starting to shake. You’re a blink away from breaking down again and Nolan feels so helpless. He wishes he could help you with college, but his knowledge in whatever degree you’re dating is close to nothing.

“-And I fell outside, too.” You break his train of thought.

A dry chuckle escapes your lips as you bring your hands up to wipe away your tears, as if you’re forcing yourself to laugh at your problems.

“On the way home?”

You nod and wipe your tears again, soaking the ends of your sleeves.

“My day has just been so awful.” Your voice breaks, making Nolan’s chest squeeze in pain at the sound of it alone.

Without knowing what to say, Nolan wraps one of his arms around you and pulls you in closer. The feeling that comes with not having you hug him back right away is strange. It almost makes him feel heartbroken.

As your face rests over Nolan’s shirt, it’s like your body just gives it all out. You start crying again, sobbing as you let all your worries out, mumbling some stuff you’re not even sure what they mean. And Nolan just holds you close, resting his head against yours while laying kisses over your cheek, neck or over your hair.

It’s so hard to see you like this. It has happened before, it has, but it’s never this bad. Which doesn’t make it that easy to deal with.

Your sobs stop after some time, your breathing slows down back to normal and your body stops to shake. Nolan still holds you, comfortably smoothing your back with one of his hands over your sweatshirt.

You, finally, wrap one of your arms around his torso and just rest your body against his a little, while in complete silence.

“When’s your next test?” Nolan asks against the skin of your temple. 

“In 4 weeks.” You answer.

“Any assignments between today and that test?” He asks and you shake your head, “Okay, so you have more than enough time to get prepared and do amazing on that test.”

A sudden warm, giddy feeling runs through you at his words, yet you only nod at what he says.

“I wish I could help you study, but I’m clueless with half of the words in your notes.” He jokes and your lips curve into a grin, “I can always be your reminder to go back to studying?”

“You’re going on a roadie next week.”

He shrugs.

“I can still call.”

You smile and lean your face back onto his chest.

“What about that fall? Are you okay?” He asks, lifting his head again to take a look at your face.

“I’m okay, now, yeah. It was just really embarrassing,” You answer back.

There’s a quick silence and you lift your chin to stare up at Nolan.

“Did something else happen?” He asks, just to make sure.

You do a quick shrug.

“No- I mean,” You correct yourself, “I did check my Instagram after getting home...”

“And... what happened?”

“Just- The usual stupid comments.” You whisper at him.

He analyzes your face for a few seconds and brings his hand up, wiping with his thumb the rest of the tears under your eyes.

“I know I shouldn’t have looked at them,” You scold yourself, “But I didn’t exactly do it on purpose. They were just... there, when I wanted to look back at some pictures.”

Nolan nods understandingly and rests his hand against your cheek, cupping it as his thumb caresses your skin continuously.

“What type of pictures?”

“Like, with our friends or just the two of us,” You shrug, again, “I was just looking for something to cheer me up, you know?”

He nods at you and a small grin lifts over your lips.

He doesn’t scold you in any way. Doesn’t judge you for being stuck in the middle of the hateful comments that don’t do nothing but bring others down. He sometimes finds himself in those black holes without even realizing, and when they do bring him down, you’re there for him to remind him who he really is. Not letting the comments get to him. He can’t do anything else but the same. Return the favor.

“Do you feel better now?” He says at a low voice, almost in a whisper.

“A bit, yeah.” You nod, “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me.” He answers.

In the comfortable silence and under his smoothing and loving touch, you prop yourself up with one arm, so your face is in front of Nolan’s, and you peck his lips. It’s a quick kiss, but one that makes you grin back at him.

“I love you.” You tell him.

“I love you too.”

You kiss again but this time, he holds the back of your neck, pulling you in closer to him, making the kiss longer and letting it actually evolve into something more than a peck.

You kiss him back as his lips start to move against yours and your, only vacant, hand find its way to his side, almost as if pulling him in closer to you, even though you’re already glued together.

Nolan pulls back and looks back at you for a second.

“Want to go get lunch and then watch a movie?” He asks and your smile finds itself back on your face.

“I would love that.”

Is this good? I wrote it in between classes, while bored, so I hope it’s not too awful.

*First time writing for Nolan... I just had to do it, okay?*

[parkers-gal]

hey honey! how are you doing?

i was wondering if you could write something where the reader is either tom or harrison’s sister, around 19-20 years old, and she hears her brother talking bad about her behind her back and she gets distant towards them and her brother realizes how much he’s missing out on (her first boyfriend and stuff like that)

sorry if it’s long or if you don’t wanna write it lol it was just an idea!!

don’t be sorry! i loved this! also doing pretty good :-)

i didn’t really understand what was in the ending parentheticals so i hope this is what you wanted!

wc: 1.7k

—

Being the established girl in a group of four boys meant a lot of things. Often, you were confused as a girlfriend to whichever boy you were accompanying, aside from your brother, of course. There was a lot of territory that came with being close family-friends with the Holland family. Especially since your brother used to be Tom’s assistant. It was expected, though, because they had been close friends growing up, especially since being in the same grade. 

You were younger, which meant you were in between ages for the twins and Paddy. You didn’t consider yourself too young for them, though, and found yourself in the presence of the boys for most of your time. 

Today, however, you were with your friend Aisha, walking around the shops. She had to leave unexpectedly early, so you parted ways. You came into the house quietly, setting a few things as you silently made your way into the kitchen. It wasn’t actually your house, but you practically spent all of your time there anyways. You heard voices coming from the den. Though you knew it was wrong, you halted in announcing your arrival, choosing to listen in on what they seemed to be joking around about. 

“Finally got ‘er off your back, huh mate?” You heard Tom’s voice, followed with joined laughter from everyone else. Your mind wandered, thinking maybe Harrison had a girl he was interested in, though he never brought that up, so you stayed quiet to hear more. 

“Yeah. Out with Aisha or whatever.”

Your eyes widened as the realization dawned on you. You purse your lips and think not to assume anything just yet. 

“That her only her friend?”

“Honestly,” Harrison laughs in agreement. “Mum said to be a good older brother but I’m tired of playing babysitter.” They all laugh again and you will yourself not to burst into anger — or worse: cry. “She’s gotta grow up or something.”

“Mate.” Tom snickers. “She needs a life. The boys are a tight circle; can’t let no baby sister in on that.”

“Yeah,” Harry’s voice pops in. “Who else would we spill disgusting secrets to?” They laugh seemingly in universal knowledge. 

“Anyways,” Tom settles down. “Good thing we finally got the superior Osterfield alone, for once.”

You abandon your station near the kitchen door and speed walk out the other swing door. You pick your bags up quietly, making for a quick escape as your tears attempt the same. You’re almost done putting your shoes on when Sam comes down the stairs, brows furrowed while he wipes his damp hands on the front of the shirt. You curse in realizing he was probably in the bathroom. 

“Y/N? Everything okay?”

“Uh…” You glance to the hallway that leads to the kitchen, wearily hoping nobody comes out. “Yeah, just uh… forgot I had to do something. I’ll see you later.”

You quickly make your way out of the house, shoving everything into your car while you can, starting the engine with great speed. Sam was in the middle of saying something else to you on your wait out, but he never got around to finishing because you were already out of the door. 

He didn’t mention anything to the boys, trusting that you were okay and that you did actually have something to do. 

That night, you tried not to cry yourself to sleep in your small apartment, one you shared with Aisha. When you woke the next morning, she wanted to go to the skating rink for some fun, so you agreed, eating breakfast before showering. You spent the entire day there, really, and let your phone in a rented locker, ignoring the texts from a few of the boys asking if you wanted to come over for a movie and some pizza. 

When you did have the chance to reply — over five hours later — you gave them scarce replies in the main group chat, apologizing without much sorrow. From their end, they shook it off, knowing you probably just had other plans that specific day. The five of you were planning on going to the golfing course tomorrow, so you’d get time together then. 

But they were wrong, because you cancelled on them, simply stating that “golf isn’t your mood, today.” They’d accepted that, but Harry knew that was bullshit, because half of the fun of golfing was competing with you.

They tried not to think much of your absence while they were on the field, but it was weird and awfully quiet without you. They’d figured it might be different throughout the week, but they were still wrong. You were with other people throughout the week while you could be, and it only made it worse for the boys because you were posting it all over your social media. Not in a flaunting manner, but just for the aesthetics. They didn’t find it very pleasing, though. 

Harrison knew something was off, knew you didn’t normally just start ghosting people unless you had a real reason. He intended on figuring out what that reason was, and Tom was hell bent on learning it too. They drew up a plan to get you to come over, telling you they had a few of your missing things. You complied, figuring you’d have to face them at some point. 

Strolling up to the house for the first time in ten days, you opened the door as casually as you could, only to be met with four pairs of eyes staring in your directions from seats in the open living room. 

“Uhm,” You cleared your throat. “Where’s my stuff?” Tom wordlessly points to a bag on the head of the couch, and you pick it up wearily, sifting through it while you hummed. “Thanks, I’ll just take this and get out of your hair.” 

“Well, wait-” Tom stands abruptly. “Why… why don’t you hang out for a bit?”

“I mean… do you want to?” The tone in which you speak catches him off guard for all of ten seconds before each of the boys are nodding their heads.

“Of course we do.” Harrison smiles and you nod wearily. 

“Okay.”

However, you don’t make any move in settling down for the long run, and Tom huffs. “What’s going on here?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re avoiding us!” Harry concludes. “Why?”

You clear your throat, looking at your feet while your tongue clicks. “I, uhm, I heard you guys talking the other day.”

Harrison raises his eyebrows as a silent message for you to elaborate a little.

“You said you were tired of babysitting me, so I gave you guys some space.” They all physically defeat and you begin to defend yourself. “I just thought it’s what you wanted! You don’t have to explain.” You’re unknowingly beginning to tear up, and they all know it before you do. 

“I think we should talk.”

“No, I- uhm…” You glance out the window to your car. “I should really get going.”

“No!” Harry pleads with you. “We just… we miss you.”

You stop short in your tracks, turning around slowly. “Well I don’t really think you get to. Not after what I heard.”

“That’s not fair, Y/N/N, and you know it.” Harrison’s stern with you, and you can feel the tension beginning to set nicely like a creamer. 

“None of this is really fair for me, so why should it be fair for you?” You point a finger up in their direction while you shrug offendedly. “I mean, if you’re gonna say one thing don’t act like you don’t mean it.”

“But we didn’t,” Harrison says. 

“Really, we didn’t. It was a stupid thing to say.” Tom adds on. 

“Yeah, we’d never say it knowing you were there.”

“Oh, but you’d say it if I wasn’t around?” You’re making this more difficult, you realize, but you don’t much care, because when feelings get hurt, things get difficult, and you’ve come to terms with that. 

“That’s not what I meant.” Harrison crosses his arm. 

“No, but that’s what you implied.” You jab him back with your next words. 

“Stop making this hard.” He’s reminding you of what things were like when you were young and arguments were regular. 

“I’m not the one that started this.” You huff angrily, hand finally gripping the handle of the front door, swinging it open and slamming it harshly with an “I’ll see you all around.” 

Tom blinks, glancing to Harrison in question on what to do next. Harrison sighs and so does Harry. 

“I saw her leaving that day she heard you guys.” Sam speaks calmly, almost nervously. “She was- uh… she was crying.” “Oh jesus.” Tom groans, hands running through his curls. “We made her cry, Haz.”

“I know, I know.” He speaks hastily. “C’mon, I know what to do.” He picks his coat up, opening the front door as the rest of the boys follow him out. 

You’re coming home that night after spending the rest of your day at the country club with some friends. You’re alone, of course, expecting to eat dinner with Aisha, though the two of you normally dine separately because you’re always with the boys and she’s always with her girlfriend. Things are different now, though. 

As you open the door to your flat, you expect to find it dark and empty, but you’re met with your favorite take out meal and four very sorry boys, a large teddy bear sitting on the couch for you. You drop your bags and glance at each of them. 

“What’s all this?”

“We’re really, really, really sorry.” Harrison steps forward with an apologetic smile and three DVD disks in his hands, all of your favorite movies. “But me especially. I love having you around… even if you are my baby sister.” You slap his arm playfully and he laughs. You let a smile creep onto your face at his demeanor. “We really missed you this past week.”

You nodded, fiddling with your fingers. “It just… hurt. You broke the one rule I thought…. The rule I thought we all swore to keep.”

“I know.” He sighs, looking at the boys as everyone says it simultaneously. “The circle before yourself.”

You’d seemingly all established it during your first all-nighter as a group of five. You vowed to put them before your own silly ego or public facade. Obviously, some things are harder for others.

“Can you ever forgive me?”

“Can you ever forgive us?” Tom speaks up, eyes deep.

You smile softly, voice laced with feelings. “Of course I can.” You don’t miss the smiles that break out onto their faces, and when everyone comes in for a group hug, they know things are going to be okay. 

read the spinoff! - circles before yourselves - rule #2

[waywardwrestlewritingwaif]

Raise the Stakes, Part 8

I swear, I will wind this one up in the not-too-distant future but I keep kind of thinking of different things to do with it. Bad writer, bad. Finish your work!

You can find the previous bits of the story:

Place Your Bets

Part one two three four five six seven

Pairing: David Finlay x OFC (referenced Jay White x OFC)

Word count: 3,824

Content advisory: graphic sexual content, cursing

You feel like an idiot for actually believing that he was going to talk to you the next day, or that he was going to do anything other than ignore you the way he has since your arrival. If anything, he’s ignoring you harder than ever, or at least taking greater pains to be anywhere around you. If you see him, he’s always moving and with others. The wall between you is so thick you start gaslighting yourself, wondering if you imagined the tryst in your car.

The whole company is buzzing. It’s the last few days before the big Slammiversary show, the peak of their year. The excitement for the show and for finally having a small audience is mingled with the knowledge that every year, there are some surprises. THe bigwigs play their cards close to their chests, which means that the talent and behind the scenes people, yourself very much included, don’t know who could pop out at any moment. New Japan has been frustratingly tight-lipped. It’s supposed to be your job to bridge the gaps between New Japan and Impact but no one will tell you who might be trying to cross those bridges.

Is Nagata coming back? You’ll find out.

Another appearance by Phantasmo? Wait and see.

Tama and Tanga are mouthing off at the Good Brothers all the time on social media. Are they showing up?

It’s like shouting at a wall.

Finlay and Robinson are there, they tell you. Take care of them.

It’s almost more frustrating to hear that because, of course, you’d like to do that but one of them is very determined not to let that happen.

By Thursday afternoon, you’ve done everything you can.

“Take a day off,” Scott Damore, the man tasked with keeping this little beehive running tells you. “Go home and relax. You’ll want to be rested for Saturday.”

You want to tell him there’s no need for you to leave now but your aching back, neck, and head disagree.

“What time do you need me here Saturday?”

“Morning?” He looks surprised. “Just come in an hour or so before the show.”

“But what do you need me to do?”

“Sit in the audience, cheer at the right points, look excited if the camera passes you.”

“That’s it?”

“There’s nothing that needs to be liaised in the middle of a show. Grab a seat, have some fun. Be a fan for a few hours.”

You laugh a little because you can’t remember the last time you were able to just be a fan.

“You do like wrestling, don’t you?”

“I do,” you chuckle. “I just don’t really have the opportunity to indulge that very often.”

“So go home, have a nice dinner and a glass of wine. Do whatever it takes to get rid of that headache that I can see right through your skull. Spend the day in your pajamas playing videogames with teenagers online.”

You rise slowly, thanking him as you move to go.

“Hey,” he calls softly, “you’re doing a great job. Don’t think they’re not going to hear about it in Tokyo.”

It’s such a sweet note to leave on that you’re most of the way home, or to the temporary rental that’s passing for home right now, before you think about the fact that you haven’t laid eyes on David all day. He’s been around, because if he hadn’t been, you’re the one who would have had to field questions about it. But he’s been invisible to you.

You end up taking Scott’s suggestions very much to heart. You order dinner from the Chinese place you’ve become addicted to, watch early episodes of The Walking Dead, and have a couple of drinks until you can feel a warm blanket of sleepiness wrapping itself around you.

And that’s when your doorbell rings.

You grab your phone, although there’s a large part of you that wants to ignore it because it’s a little unnervingly late to be getting callers. But you pick it up just on that off chance, because there’s that sliver of hope that it’s…

“It’s David.” He sounds tired and grumpy but you don’t even care because he’s there, at your door and it makes your heart race. You buzz him in and then just stand in front of your apartment door like a complete idiot until you hear him knock.

As soon as you open the door, though, your heart sinks.

“Seriously?” he snaps, holding your panties up for anyone to see.

“How long does it take you to go through your damn pockets,” you hiss, trying to hide how close you are to crying.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You want me to get a restraining order?”

“I’m sorry,” you croak. “I know it was stupid, I just thought maybe if I left you a little reminder that… I don’t know. I thought that if I could get you back once…”

“You did not get me back. I’ve been lonely and I had a weak moment. And even then I couldn’t bring myself to fuck you.”

“Fine. I misinterpreted and thought it was me you wanted. Happy to have given you a show and a nice warm surface to rub one out.”

He throws your panties on the floor without another word. Now you have a problem. You know perfectly well that the second you let him out of your sight, he’s going to disappear. But the door to your apartment is going to lock automatically if it closes unless you step back inside and adjust it. So if you want to avoid giving him the chance to run away, you have to find a way to reach your discarded panties without allowing the door to close behind you.

Awkwardly, you bend forward but it’s immediately obvious that the offending garment is still out of reach. You try looking at him but he seems amused by your predicament. So you have to get right down on your knees and stretch, all while keeping your foot on the door, which weighs a ton. You’ve never felt less elegant in your life, nor more ridiculous than when you glare up at him. His expression is scornful and amused, but there’s a hint of something else you can see in his eyes. There you are, the bitch who he believes used him, the one who’s been begging for his attention, now on her knees in the most humiliating position.

You grab the scrap of fabric and scramble into a standing position before starting to speak. Unfortunately, you move enough that your foot slips from the door. You flinch as you hear the heavy thud.

“Fuck!” he yelps, loud enough you think the neighbors will show up.

It takes a second for you to register that he stuck his hand up to stop the door from closing and that the full weight of it crashed onto his fingers.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” It’s like every time he gets near you, something awful happens to him.

You push the door open and take his hand, trying to see if there’s any damage. He’s obviously irritated and tries to pull it back but it occurs to you that this could be serious.

“Come on, you have to at least let me put some ice on that.”

“No.”

“You have to. If it swells up, your hand could be screwed up for Saturday.”

He looks positively disgusted as it dawns on him that you’re right but he lets you lead him gently into your apartment.

You take out your ice tray and wrap a few cubes in the dish towel, pressing it softly against his hand. He swats you away and holds the makeshift ice pack himself. There’s a little grunted sound that might be a thank you.

“What even happened?”

“I thought the door was going to lock if it closed, I just tried to stop it. Don’t know why I did that.”

“Thank you,” you say softly, guilt soaking your voice. “I would have been locked out.”

“Boohoo.”

“I’m really sorry about the panties, I just-”

“You’re just a disaster area and I need to stay the fuck away from you. I should have just thrown your little present in your face at the show.”

“I’m so glad you didn’t.”

“I’m going to wait a few minutes until I’m sure my hand is ok. I would really appreciate it if you would just not speak for the rest of the time I’m here.”

The look on his face is so pained, so defeated, that you just nod and look at the floor. But you can’t hold it in. The insanity of the situation you’ve put yourself in and the feeling of having him close enough to touch while also being so remote burns through your insides like a wildfire and you just… break.

You let one loud yelp out and then it’s nothing but tears and loud sobbing. He immediately looks up at you and although your vision is blurred, his expression isn’t unsympathetic but that just makes it worse and you cry harder as you try to speak.

“You’re right, you should stay away from me… I thought that if I came here… I thought that if you knew I left him… that I left him for you…”

Your voice breaks up and you have to wipe your face just to keep yourself focused.

“I didn’t think about how bad I am… for you… for whatever… I just wanted…”

You break down in sobs again and you’re just about to go and hide on the balcony until he leaves when it happens. A miracle. He lays the towel on the counter and walks towards you. Even through your tears, you can see that his expression is much softer and that allows you to hold it together until he lays his hands on your shoulders and pulls you just a little closer.

At that point, once again, you lose it, the memory of how that touch felt back before you’d made a mess of everything. He presses you close to his chest, which amplifies the feeling and you feel like you’re going to pass out.

“Look at me,” he murmurs, cupping your face with his hand.

You open your eyes a little and he makes a face.

“You’re a mess.”

“I know,” you blurt. “I don’t know why I do the shit I do, it’s just-”

“No, I mean your face… there’s mascara stuff happening. It looks like an oil spill.”

Despite yourself, you laugh, holding back the tears as he uses his sleeve to wipe your face.

“Your hands are freezing.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t have another pair with me. Besides, it helps with swelling, remember?”

You laugh a little again, trembling when he holds your face in his hands. For the first time in ages, he doesn’t have any of that vicious resentment in his eyes. It’s almost like the way he looked at you that day you had breakfast in the cafe, just sadder.

He looks at you that way for what feels like a long time, allowing you to regain control of yourself.

“You have really cute ears.”

“Wh- what?”

He smiles. “Your ears. They’re so cute, you have no idea. You always have your hair pulled back or up and I just remember noticing at one point. I’d smile about it all the time when you weren’t looking.”

“How do ears… be cute?” You can’t imagine what he’s talking about and yet the weirdness of the compliment makes it wonderful.

“Come here.” He takes you by the wrist and leads you into the bathroom. He positions you in front of the mirror, standing behind you and pulling you back against his chest. He takes your jaw in his hand and gently turns your head so that you can see the side of your face and your apparently adorable ear.

“You see,” he explains, running his thumb delicately along the outer ridge, “it’s kind of big and round up here, and then it tapers right off into this perfectly proportional little lobe and it looks like a half a heart. So they look like two halves of a heart. I can’t believe you’ve never noticed this before.”

He laughs softly and presses his face against yours, the scrape of his beard on your skin sending shivers through your whole body. His lips touch your cheek so fleetingly that you almost wonder if you’ve imagined it.

“Crying takes it out of you,” he sighs. “Let’s put you to bed.”

You feel numb as he leads you into the bedroom and helps you onto the bed before turning to close your blinds.

“Do you like being back in the States?” you ask, hoping you can stretch out his visit a little longer.

“Yeah, I do. I mean, it’s weird, all the back and forth lately. I swear I think I’m still jet lagged, or I’m just permanently fucked up.”

You smile as he sits down on the side of the bed. He smiles back but he makes no move to touch you or get closer.

“How do you like Impact?”

“I like not working Japanese hours.”

“Damn, I’ll bet. It’s one thing with the wrestlers but they don’t give you guys a break ever.”

You suddenly realize that you don’t want to talk about your work in Japan at all.

“I heard your brother is getting into wrestling too now?”

“Yup. I’m not sure Dad wanted either of us doing this for a living but I guess it really is in the blood.”

He takes your hands and places them on your stomach, very ladylike and demure, and pats them with his.

“You need to get some sleep. I’ll go fight with the door to get out.”

“Tell me a bedtime story?” You try to make yourself sound as cute and harmless as possible and not like some crazed broad desperate to prolong the moment.

“No.”

You pout a little, gratified when you hear him chuckle.

“Ok, once upon a time there was an extremely silly little princess who could never figure out what she wanted. And no one ever seemed to be able to help her decide what that was, no matter how hard they tried. The end.”

You can’t help but give a wry laugh at that. “At least it’s nice to be a princess.”

“Who said I was talking about you?”

You stare at him a long time, trying to figure out how to untie all the knots of what you’ve done. You can’t even imagine. You’re still trying to figure it out when he bends down and touches his lips, very softly, very quickly, to yours.

He pulls back but then almost immediately repeats the gesture. Then repeats it again. And again. He shifts so that he’s hovering over you, continuing to give you these little kisses.

“Stop that,” he rasps.

“Stop what? You’re the one kissing me.”

“Hm. I guess you’re right.” He leans in again. “Stop me.”

“I don’t want to.”

He doesn’t stop.

“Yeah, I don’t really want you to stop me either.”

And from that point, it gets more insistent, more romantic, and more passionate, until you feel him easing your pants down and running his hands over your thighs and ass. Determined that he is not just going to turn this into another resentful mutual masturbation session, you pull at his shirt. He wriggles free of it immediately easing you out of yours.

“How do you manage to run around without a bra on like that?” He squeezes and licks at your breasts with a little wink.

“I’m in my own apartment. I’m allowed to walk around however I want.”

“Yeah. But you don’t always wear one at work either, do you?”

He crashes his mouth into yours, tongue eagerly breaching your lips.

“Don’t think I don’t notice,” he pants.

He slides down and presses his face between your legs before you can think of a witty comeback, and once he does, you can’t think of anything. It’s so intense, so determined the way he goes at this, the way he picks up on every little twitch and tremor in your body, how he paces himself and you enough that it never feels like a rush to a goal. You don’t deserve this. You have no right to have him be this good to you.

You twist your hand in his hair, pulling it loose from the disheveled bun he’s always sporting. The parts of it that were trapped inside are still damp and you tug firmly to make him look up at you.

“Did you shower before you came over here?”

He smiles coyly and presses two fingers inside you, curling them like he’s beckoning you forward, making you moan and twist even as you’re trying to keep your mind focused.

“I shower pretty frequently,” he grins, “what’s it to you?”

He presses his lips close to your clit, allowing his tongue to flick ever so lightly against it.

“I don’t know,” you breathe, trying not to get overwhelmed by what he’s doing, “I like thinking you got yourself all cleaned up and handsome for me.”

You feel the soft vibrations of his laughter as he dives back into you, tongue pushing up inside you and making you scream before you grab at his hair again.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this,” you whimper.

“Oh I love doing it.”

“I mean I don’t know why you’re doing this to me, when I’ve been so-”

You’re cut off as he goes right back at it, licking and pushing harder for a few seconds before he whispers, “If you had any idea how often I’ve jerked off fantasizing about eating you out, you’d probably stop speaking to me.”

With that he pins you down and continues in earnest, going at you with a zealot’s vigor so that you can’t question him or do anything but scream and beg him to continue what he’s doing until you fall apart, trembling and gasping.

You feel him wriggle out of his pants before he pulls you onto his lap, kissing you and playfully biting at your lips, his arms wound tight around your waist. You run your hand slowly down the length of his shaft, smiling at the little gasp this elicits.

“I want you inside me.”

“Yeah…” the hesitance in his voice terrifies you. “I was… I was hopeful enough to get all showered and freshened up before I came over but I wasn’t so confident that I actually brought any kind of protection with me.”

“I’m on birth control. And I get checked regularly, I swear, I’m-”

He kisses you hard, so passionately that you almost tumble over.

“You sure?” he whispers when he breaks the kiss.

“Very sure.”

He flips you onto your knees and pulls your hips back towards him. As he enters you, you realize that you’d convinced yourself you weren’t ever going to get this again. It’s like a reprieve from prison, feeling him fill you up.

He leans down enough that the feathery tips of his hair brush against the skin of your back, a stark contrast to the powerful hold he has on your hips. There’s an unbroken stream of praises coming from him but all you can think of to whimper in response is, “Thank you.”

“What?”

He slows his pace just a little.

“Thank you,” you repeat. “I didn’t think you’d want to touch me again. I don’t deserve you being this good to me.”

“Oh sweetheart no.” He pulls you up and holds you against his damp chest, one hand immediately falling to your clit while he continues to thrust inside you. “It’s ok, I’ve got you. I want to feel you come again, I want you to come on my cock.”

You let yourself relax into his touch and it takes very little time until he has you falling apart for him again, your muscles contracting sharply around him as he clearly fights to keep control.

He flips you onto your back like you’re nothing and smiles down at your dazed face.

“Let’s do this right.”

He leans down and pushes himself back inside you slowly crushing your body close to his and planting a fierce kiss on your lips. His movements are agonizingly slow, letting you feel every bit of what’s happening, picking up only when you hitch your hips against his. He keeps you wrapped up tight and close, faces practically touching as he finally lets himself come, eyes locked on yours. It’s a long, tender few minutes while he holds you, touching his lips to your forehead.

“I love you.” You just put it out there before the post-coital haze can fade, hoping it’ll stop him from closing himself off again.

“I love you too,” he whispers, nuzzling against the side of your head. “But you knew that already.”

You dig your nails into his shoulders a little.

“Stay with me. Sleep here, please.”

He looks thoughtful but it doesn’t take long for him to smile, stroking your cheek as he does.

“Yeah,” he beams, “I will.”

He rolls onto his side and pulls you close again.

“Did you seriously think I was going to be able to stay away from you forever?”

“Yes. I was pretty sure that you didn’t entirely want to, but I figured you’d fight it off.”

“How long have we known each other?”

“About six years.”

“You were working at the dojo and we all used to hang out together, right?”

“Yes.”

“How long had we been there before I asked you out to dinner?”

“I don’t know. A few months.”

“Closer to four. And I was already so hung up on you that I could barely think straight when you were around.”

You look at him in surprise. Yes, you’d known that he’d flirted a lot, but at that point all the boys at the dojo were trying to scheme their way into your pants. You’d always assumed that his real interest had developed much later.

“Yeah,” he says, noticing your expression, “I was that into you that early. And you know damn well it only got more intense from there.”

He wraps his arms around you and presses your head against his chest, kissing your hair. “And you thought that having finally gotten to take you to bed, having gotten you to say that you liked me, that I was going to be able to walk away?”

You squeeze him tight and nestle against him, your head immediately finding its way to the hollow of his shoulder. And as soon as it does, your whole body feels warm and safe and content. You want to keep talking to him but you can’t because this sort of bliss doesn't allow you to stay awake.

[put-me-in-a-movie-mp3]

Hi! Can I request a matchup for The Maze Runner and The Vampire Diaries with male preference?

𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘: 20 years old, 5'1", Southeast Asian. Chubby with brunette bob cut hair, chocolate brown eyes, and a small beauty mark on my forehead. My style is in between soft grunge and soft punk but loves to wear Korean makeup style

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬: Muggleborn Ravenclaw with a patronous spirit of Hummingbird, an INFJ (last time I checked at MBTI test), my enneagram is 4w5 and my moral alignment is Neutral Good. I may have a slight introverted tendencies and awkward nature, I describe myself as fiery, swears like a sailor, confident, jokester, and, passionate. Religious, super talkative, sometimes hyper (because of excitement), giggly (I always laugh for stupid reasons), nerdy, actually sweet and nice though I can be aloof, intimidating, and scary when I get so angry. I tend to become really fiesty, stands boldly on what I believe (claiming myself as a realist though some of my views doesn't makes sense), and unbothered to be true to myself, clumsy, stubborn, young-at-heart, unfortunate and inattentive. I have "no bulls*** attitude" towards the people that I hate, sarcasam and savagery is my main language. But on the other side, I overthink a lot and cry over small things many times, small mistakes leads me to provoke me even more that sounds like a drama queen, yet recognizes a soft spot for dumb jokes, cheesy pickup lines and prefer people with a good sense of humour who see myself as equal. Chill in academics, but very competitive that manages to the top even for my dreams---I'm very dedicated on what I want for my life, and have modesty towards some people that deserves respect. One notable feature about her is her multi-potentiality due to being naturally gifted in artistic fields (this includes singing).

𝗜𝗡𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗧𝗦: Arts, choir, poetry, karaoke, literature, history, makeup, beauty pageants, fun/deep/dumb conversations, expanding my knowledge in Christianity, documentaries (about saints), reading interesting stuffs, talking about social issues, and creative writing, chilling both indoors and outdoors.

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦: Drawing, singing, dancing when nobody's around (I'm very bad at it), sharing nerdy or opinionated thoughts, walking like a model (if I ever feel so confident), sleeping, listening to music (from rock to kpop), chatting or browsing on social media, watching videos on YouTube, making terrible jokes/puns, watching cartoons, writing, reading interesting things, and conceptualizing my artworks. I also used to study Italian language a bit

Yes of course! 💗

Maze runner:

I TOTALLY ship you with Newt! I think he admire your confidence and love how passionate you are! I could totally see Newt loving how artistic you are and funny! I think he’d love your eyes and I see you guys gardening together in Glade!

The Vampire Diaries:

Okay hear me out…i am torn a little between Damon and Stefan. Damon would like your spunk, confidence, and how funny you are. I could see you guys having deep conversations and tell jokes to each other. I think Damon would be most intrigued by you by how sarcastic and stubborn you are. The complete opposite of Elena. I also think you could get him into k-pop. But Stefan… I could see you guys digging into history together and watching documentaries together. Admiring art, music, and literature. I think Stefan would like how passionate you are in discussions!

[writingandmore]

Hi!!! May I get a HP, Star Wars, Voltron, and Disney matchup?

𝗕𝗔𝗦𝗜𝗖𝗦 + 𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘

19, Libra, Neutral Good, enneagram is 4w5, muggleborn Ravenclaw (with Gryffindor tendencies), and my patronus spirit is Hummingbird. Biromantic Pansexual Genderfluid woman using pronouns of She/Her or He/Him. Cherubic-like face, with short height (5'1") plus sized Southeast Asian woman with Spanish descent that has chic messy/wavy brunette medium hair that reaches to my shoulder, oriental skin, slightly upturned eyes, small lashes, chocolate brown irises, cute flat nose, heart shaped face, full cheeks, cupid's bow lips, a small beauty mark on the forehead, and naturally straight teeth with tiny gap in front (just imagine that it's a mixture of Marinette from 𝗠𝗶𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘂𝗹𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝗟𝗮𝗱𝘆𝗯𝘂𝗴, Musa from 𝗪𝗶𝗻𝘅 𝗖𝗹𝘂𝗯, and Alexandra Trese from 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲---cause' my friend told me that I kinda look like them). My sense of fashion is in between emo and boyish plus korean glam, I sometimes let my hair down or styled like Lara Croft reboot.

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬

Distant, quiet, and timid at first making people thought I'm a demure, modest, and self-effacing that looks "immaculate" or "one of a kind" (due to my protective mom, a reason why I've never been in a relationship) but the truth is, dunno how to initiate a conversation, but a total opposite if I open up---friendly, ambivert, witty, laughing loudly on a daily basis---like my happiness is too shallow, super talkative, eats a lot (yeah I can finish a huge slice of cake or a meal in one sitting), awkward, daydreamer (I got embarrassed from knocking at the door even I'm inside the classroom 😂), EXTREMELY CLUMSY (mostly gets bruises from hitting, bumping my head somewhere, walking into something on my way, and being careless to my belongings), secretly likes affection, easily overwhelmed, prone to melt over wholesomeness, flusters on compliments, lightly blushes on cheesy banters, eager to share what I know (especially about Catholic Church---my past teacher joked that I'll become a saint because of it 🤣), oftenly speaks full of sarcasm with a lowkey crackhead energy citing meme references, and talented girl who can be your no.1 supporter and unashamed to be true to myself but can be awkward to strangers. In terms of leadership, I only educate and guide than being a prefect (I might take the role seriously), will lift my group when there's lacking/incompleteness. About doing projects in school, I become too extra and prepared for efforts, but I'll forget the process in the end.

The extent, I'm expressive, warm-hearted, willig to help, kind, intelligent, supportive, nice, creative, enthusiastic, laid-back, determined, tough, competitive, and feisty outside, but a real softie that can be childish and dramatic that cries so easily (but will enlightened real quick by smallest things that makes me smile) filled with doubts, frustrations, and insecurities with fear of failure that pushes off the limits to to please everyone because they might get dissappointed from expectations---I simply can't stop proving myself too much because I'm a survivor of bullying. But I still managed to be stronger than ever after I stumbled, even it's a slow burn process. I can be blunt, intimidating, harsh, and a douchebag if I receive ends or I got interrupted while doing something. Immature, headstrong, perfectionist, demanding, hesitant, jumpy, forgetful, overthinker, quick-tempered, sensitive, and anxious (no joke, my nervousness makes me think worse scenario will arrive). Though can be procrastinator and arrogant, I raised as a religious 𝖺𝗇𝖽 diplomatic youth, willing to fight what I believe (including my dreams and what's important to me) and what is right. In addition, I have a habit of staying up late and doing sign of the cross to ease nervousness.

Rowdy and feeling-brokenhearted and bitter friend in the group who fangirl a lot, swears like sailor, will call out on people that we loathe, will make fun of your stupidity (in a good way) before helping, and bring gossips, but a hopeless romantic and cheeky (makes banter with sarcasms or pick up lines as an endearment, but gets annoyed if I received sappy or offensive one), Still generous and concerned person in a subtle and different way.

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦

My hobbies are singing, drawing, roleplaying, listening to music, chatting/browsing on social media, conceptualizing, writing, and reading some stuffs. I'll include making corniest jokes/puns, sleeping, and dancing when nobody's around or walking like a model if I feel so bold (even I'm terrible at both xD). I also used to learn Italian language a bit.

𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Loves kittens, milk tea, singing at the karaoke, cartoons, iced coffee, memes, cute things, watching YouTube videos (mostly pageants, ASMR, edit audios, and mukbangs), also enjoys playing games on my sister's PSP. Sucker for arts, choir, poetry, night sky, makeup, fun/deep/dumb conversations, Christianity, documentaries (about saints, real crime stories, and inspirational people), reading interesting stuffs, talking about social issues, and creative writing, chilling both indoors and outdoors. Beside that, my music taste are like late 90s-2000s songs (mostly rock, pop, and country) sometimes Catholic songs, kpop and ppop, chocoholic, and a sweetooth as well.

𝗗𝗜𝗦𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Things that I hate are stereotyping, HUGE creepy crawlies (spiders, toads, snakes, and cockroaches), firecracker sounds, thunder and lightning, being left out, loneliness, heart break, blackout, and judgemental people. If I found out that someone hates or backstabbing or being rude to me, I won't hesitate to throw offensive criticisms, leaving them with a "I don't give a f" attitude. One random fact about me is, I 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 vent out EVERYTHING I despise in my entire existence---from bad soap operas to toxicity, worse scenarios in real life, and how terrible is my love life from unrequited feelings that I got, because it's a big deal for me, and I consider forcing me to do what I'm not into and manipulating me as my major pet peeves.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗥𝗦

In terms of triggers...I only have two which are ta𝖨king about divorce/annullment/separation because I came from a generational broken family (it sucks that some people I knew assumed that the reason why I'm overly unaware that someone is interested in me in secret, is I have "high standards" looking for a partner, but the truth is I'm strict and I have a personal preferences...I know my worth and I don't want settle for less!) and religion/beliefs discrimination, cause' there are reasonings that doesn't makes sense because some, sounds too hypocritical, like as if you're a morally good person.

𝗥𝗢𝗠𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 + 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘 𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗚𝗨𝗔𝗚𝗘𝗦

My love languages are quality time and gift giving, but I actually swoon over physical touch (especially cuddles and cute kisses) and words of affirmation when it comes to having a partner, though I get attracted so easily, matured but can be a goofy person who's nice, friendly, kind-hearted, loving, faithful, and excels in academics is my cup of tea. Whenever I have a real life crush (which is rare), I act the same but deep inside, my heart is about to explode and will eventually share to my trustful friends how I highly admire that person, however if they spilled the beans out, I'll obviously deny it and will cry if they like someone else, it will take some time for me to move on, now I don't care for them anymore.

Best Friends to Lovers is my ideal trope because I find it very cute since you already knew each other before dating (which happened to my 2nd cousin, she married her best friend!)---perfect balance for romance, laughters, comfort, and tears when it comes to sharing your vibes, being there through thick and thin, safe with embraces, and helping each other to grow.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗩𝗜𝗔𝗦

My best assets are smile, eyes, personality, singing voice, artistic skills, writings, intelligence, oratorical skills and I have potential in hosting...so I can consider myself as a singer, artist, orator, speaker, and a top student who's a former active campus ministry member with three roles (choir leader, psalm singer, and reader).

May sounds different but I'm passionate for helping people through my talents and sharing my story to inspire everyone. I may look selfish, but I have a different way on how I show that I actually care also I have a biased sentimental value

Currently a college freshman, learning how to cook. I have so many interests, to the point I don't know what I'm into because of my dreams to become a popular Filipino YouTuber, a novelist, and being part of a successful chorale competing internationally...I also consider joining pageants at school too once the pandemic ends, but maybe.

HP: Remus!

- Remus is also quiet and a bit reserved when he's not in a familiar situation, so your own first impression on him would be a good one, as you'd seem similar to his own personality. He's sweet and is able to start up a conversation if he notices the other person is having a hard time doing so, so hopefully he'd be able to bring out your more extroverted and friendly self after a while so he can be around the more open you. He wouldn't mind you being a bit awkward-he's very much the same way-honestly, the comradery that would come from that would be more positive than anything else. He loves sharing knowledge and learning about new things, so your eagerness to talk about what you know would work really well also! He does a lot better when he knows someone has his back too, so your extra supportive nature would endear him to you as well.

SW: Han!

- Your nicer and more helpful personality would balance out Han's more standoffish vibes when first meeting. You might get on his nerves a bit first, but you'd quickly grown on him and, in turn, make him a bit of a better person. Your ability to be blunt and a bit harsh would serve you well if you ever needed to stand your ground on an issue that two of you have, as he can be quite stubborn.

VLD: Lance!

- Lance can be a bit immature from time to time as well, especially when it comes to trying to be funny or cheering up those around him-he's also headstrong and typically firm in what he wants to do, so your own determined personality would attract him to you a lot as well. He often puts off things he needs to do if they make him anxious too, but if you both recognize that you share that problem, helping each other might be a good solution!

Disney: Flynn!

- Flynn is quite a sarcastic and teasing person, so your own humor would match well with his. He's also quite a hopeless romantic as well, even though he's certainly not one to admit that right off the bat. He enjoys singing, and as he gets closer to someone he feels more comfortable doing so in front of them, so a partner he's been with for a long time would get to see him be more and more open with it. That also applies to activities like dancing.

[houseof-harry]

What Happened in Jersey Pt. 3 | G.D.

A/N - YALL! Buckle up, I’ve been working on this part for legit a week and I’m proud of how it came out. It’s a little long, but so much happens so get excited! Let me know what you think! Read Part 2 here!!!

Word Count - 7.6K

Warnings - mentions of smut

***

Recap:

“Don’t freak yourself out, though. He’s a good guy,” Jessie sighs. You rub your hands over your stomach, getting lost in your thoughts. That’s when you remember something very important that you don’t know about Grayson.

“What’s his number?”

“Grayson’s?” Jessie laughs out.

“No, my other baby daddy,” you joke.

“I’ll give it to you and then we’ll head to breakfast?” You sit up and nod.

“Thank god that’s over. Things can only get better from here, right?”

***

The next couple of weeks were pretty nice and uneventful. You got Grayson’s number and, as he said, you texted every day. You’d actually Facetime a lot, too. He says it’s because he wants to see the baby bump once it starts to come in.

You would tell him about your day, related to the pregnancy and not, and he would tell you about his adventures with Ethan and all the things he found doing his research on the internet. He keeps you updated on the fruit or vegetable that’s continuing to grow inside you as the time passes. He tried to find any solution he can to your morning sickness that has persisted. He even sent you a couple care packages with the things you said you craved, but it usually would come too late for you to enjoy. The look of the foods would make you nauseous, but your roommates loved the free treats.

The great part of all of this is that you have a relationship forming with your baby daddy, who will inevitably be in your life forever.

The bad part of all of this is that you are definitely falling for him.

You had a crush on him, and to be quite frank who wouldn’t. This hot guy has not only been talking to you every day, checking in with you and making sure you’re okay, but you’re literally pregnant with his baby. From having hot ass sex in the bathroom at New Year’s.

So it was safe to say you were into him. Which terrified you. Because there was no way he was into you. You were constantly ready for him to just never respond again, or for him to totally drop you and your baby for someone else, someone else with way less baggage. So you would do your best to keep it friendly and push him away whenever you felt like things were getting past friendly. You know, the healthy way to deal with your emotions.

Little to your knowledge, Grayson definitely had it worse than you. A part of him believed this was the universe giving him a huge ass sign that this was his future. You and your baby together were the beginning of your future as a family. But, he also recognizes that he is a hopeless romantic and has done this many times before. However, never with a baby involved and he was terrified of scaring you away. So he would try his best to keep everything friendly. Of course, he always miserably failed.

Your roommates and friends were definitely catching on to what was happening. They knew you were talking to the guy you met over winter break. However, you still managed to keep the news of the pregnancy to yourself. Given, you used bribery as your main mode of keeping their excited minds at bay, but if it works then it works. If they brought up your sickness or any of your other odd behavior, you’d remind them of the free food from the care packages you would give them and if they wanted it to continue, they should be minding their business. A bit harsh, but they wouldn’t let up otherwise.

You managed to get to spring break without anyone asking the big question, and you were grateful for it. You weren’t sure how you’d lie to them.

Your best friend’s house would be a different story. Anna will notice every little change in you that’s happened since you last saw her in December, and you definitely would not be able to come up with a lie to explain it all away. So you decide that as soon as she asks, you’d spill.

That actually went pretty smoothly. She was supportive and excited for you. However, she didn’t trust Grayson one bit and had even found his Instagram (despite you withholding his last name) and showed you his 9 million followers. This made you spiral a bit. Were you ruining his career? Did he have a life in LA he could never leave for your baby? Is he going to bring all these influencers around your baby?

Before you can control your actions, you’re facetiming Grayson.

His bright smile pops up on your screen. “Hey sweet girl, what’s up?” Every time he calls you that it makes you feel warm inside. It terrifies you because you don’t want to get to attached to him when you’re just friends. Who are having a baby together. Just friends who are having a baby together.

When he notices your furrowed brow and your lack of a smile, his happiness vanishes and is replaced with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Anna showed me your Instagram,” you mumble. You’re almost embarrassed. You sound like a child. You instantly regret calling him.

“Anna did what?” He brings the phone closer to him so he can hear better.

“Anna found your Instagram and showed it to me.” “Oh.” You nod. “What…what did you think? Pretty douchy?” This makes you giggle as you shake your head. He lets out a breath once he sees your small smile.

“No. Just a lot of followers and stuff. I didn’t know you guys were that well known or anything.”

He coughs awkwardly and nods. “Uh, yeah. Is that okay?”

You sigh and frown. Your intention was never to make him feel bad about it.

“Of course. It’s your job, and your passion. I love watching you edit and stuff. You never have to be scared of what I think, I’ll always support you. Just intimidates me a bit, knowing that eventually 9 million people are going to be involved in my life.”

“We will do everything we can to keep you and our strawberry safe and off social media for as long as you want. Ethan already knows that’s the plan too and we’ve been filming some random videos for if we are ever out of commission for a little while for you guys.”

Thinks makes you smile while your features soften. You bite your lip, deciding on whether or not you should share all of your concerns.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” Grayson has gotten really good at reading you, even over the phone. You’d like to think it’s the emotions of the pregnancy that give you away, but he’ll catch you even when you think you’re hiding it well.

“I dunno.” You shrug and look away, bringing your knees to your body.

“Liar. Come on, what’s going on? I can’t help make you feel better if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Your bottom lip quivers as you try your best to stop the tears from clouding your vision. He was always so nice to you, and it made you wanna cry every time.

“I don’t know. It just got me thinking about how your life is in LA and eventually you’ll meet someone out there and then I’ll be here just figuring things out alone. I don’t know, scares me sometimes to think about it.” You refuse to look at him while you speak and you’re met with silence at first.

“Y/N, why are you always waiting for something to go wrong? I’m dedicated to our baby for the rest of forever, and I’m dedicated to you too,” he sighs. He looks like he’s about to say something else but decides against it.

“Sorry. It’s hard for me to trust people easily. Not that you’ve done anything wrong, you’ve actually done everything you could. I just-“ you bite your lip, hesitant to continue. Maybe you shouldn’t be loading your trauma onto him right before bed.

“Hey, I get it. It’s okay. Every time you’re scared of any of that, remember you’re not in it alone and we’re going to do everything together, good and bad. Plus, we get to finally see each other again in a couple of days. And, we get to see baby on the screen.” He smiles, rubbing his chest. His reminder makes you wipe under your eyes as you nod. “Plus, I’ve planned a day in the city for us and Ethan to do some fun shit.  It’s gonna be a good week, sweet girl. Can I see your smile?” This instantly makes you smile and he can’t stop cheesing either.  “It’s late there. You should be sleeping. Are you good to sleep? Or do you wanna stay on the phone a bit longer?”

You look at the clock and see it’s 1 am. Your eyes widen as you take a big breath in. “Uh, yeah I should go to bed. You don’t have to stay on with me, I’m sure you’ve got stuff to do.” You start to get under your covers, laying back.

“I’m gonna get in bed, too. We can stay on for a bit until you fall asleep. Gotta rest up for our strawberry.”

You breathe deeply through your nose to calm your emotions before agreeing. Maybe having his presence there, even over the phone, will make you feel better.

You get under your covers and settle in, putting your phone on the pillow next to you. It was nice hearing his breathing, and you closed your eyes.

“Thank you,” you mumble, barely audible. You assume he doesn’t even hear it. Hell, he might be asleep already.

“Anything for my sweet girl.” You hear him breathe out.

Your body instantly relaxes, and you’re finally able to fall asleep.

***

Wednesday quickly rolls around and before you know it, you’re on the road to your appointment.

Grayson would be meeting you at the office. You had sent him the address yesterday after his flight got in. You felt bad for having a morning appointment because he’s three hours behind coming from California on top of the fact that he had a farther drive. That was the only appointment you could get for that week, though.

You get a call from him when you’re five minutes away.

“Hey Gray.” You know you sound nervous, but you hope he ignores it.

“Hey. I’m here. Want me to wait in the parking lot or should I go in?” You can hear the roughness of his voice, he must be exhausted.

“Uh, wait in the parking lot. It’s a big building, kinda hard to navigate. I’m only five minutes away.”

“Perfect, I’m in the orange truck. See you soon”

You smile, but remember he can’t see you. “Okay, see you soon.” You hang up and the butterflies instantly begin in your tummy.

The last time you were with Grayson in person he was making you pregnant. You hoped that the last month and a half of talking will make it easy to be in person with him, but you never know. What if it’s awkward and uncomfortable?

You pull into the parking lot and you see his truck instantly. Not many people have orange pickups in your area. Or in general, you’d assume. You pull into the spot next to his passenger side door. He looks up when your car pulls in, and his bright smile is painted across his face. He’s jumping out of his car before you’ve even stopped yours. You grab your purse and get out, closing the door and looking up. He’s antsy on his feet waiting at the back of the cars for you to walk to him.

“Hi sweet girl.” He opens his arms as you walk towards him and you allow your body to collide with his. His arms are around you in an instant and you hold him close to you by his torso. It feels like the world has stopped. He smells clean and fresh, just like he did the last time and it overwhelms your senses.

He rubs your back, not moving away from you and you definitely don’t complain. Hugging him has made you feel calmer than you had felt since you first found out you were pregnant. He was a safe haven while the rest of the world continued to go on.

Eventually, you turn your head to look up at him, keeping him in your arms, your chin resting on his chest with a wide smile plastered on your face. “Hey.”

“How are you feeling? Excited?” He smooths one of his hands over your hair before cupping your cheek.

You nod. “Yeah. It’ll be the first appointment where I can hear the heartbeat. I’m just excited to see our baby.”

He smiles. “Our baby, yeah. God, it’s so good to be here with you. Good to hold you.” He squats down and holds your stomach, his face coming close to your slightly pudgy belly. Your hands rest on his shoulders while your cheeks heat up.

“Hi, baby. It’s nice to finally meet you. Thanks for watching out for your mama, she doesn’t actually like being alone as much as she says she does.” You laugh at this, rubbing your hand over the spot he’s talking to.

“We need to go in if we wanna be on time.” You grab his wrists and pull him back up. He puts a hand on your lower back as you start to walk.

You make it into the building, check in, and are called back. The nurse gets everything she needs from you and leaves you and Grayson alone in the exam room.

He’s pacing around as you sit on the exam table, refusing to look.

“What’s up?” You interrupt his thoughts, a concerned look on your face.

“Huh? Oh. It’s just crazy that I’m meeting our baby for the first time today. Really wild. In a good way though.” He smiles and walks next to you. Before you can respond, there’s a knock and then your doctor is walking in.

“Hey, Y/N.” He smiles at you.

“Hi Dr. Jordan.” You wave.

“And you must be the father. Dr. Jordan, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He holds his hand out to Grayson and he shakes it.

“Grayson,” is all he says.

“So, we’re having a baby?” His smile widens as you and Grayson both nod back.

“Yeah, we are,” you respond.

“Let’s cut to the chase then and check up on ‘em. How does that sound?” He moves around, getting the ultrasound machine ready to go.

“Really good.” You smile at Grayson and he gives you a small one back. You can see he’s really nervous, so once you lay back and lift your shirt to just below your boobs, you’re grabbing his hand in yours. This appears to ground him a bit as he starts breathing normally again.

The doctor moves your pants down a bit so they’re out of the way before grabbing the gel.

“It’s going to be a bit cold.” You nod and gasp when the gel hits your skin, gripping Grayson a bit harder, a shiver running up your spine. Grayson squeezes you back and you look at him. He’s watching the screen as the doctor moves the wand around.

Dr. Jordan is quiet for a little while you watch him. All of a sudden, you hear a thumping from the machine and Dr. Jordan smiles.

“That’s a heartbeat, guys.” Your free hand goes over your heart, your eyes filling with tears. Grayson looks close to crying too. He lifts your hand to kiss the back of it.

“Baby looks nice and healthy, growing at the right rate. Y/N, I’m gonna ask you to get a blood draw and to leave a urine sample, but otherwise you guys are good to go. Any questions?” Dr. Jordan asks while he wipes the gel off your stomach.

You and Grayson both look at each other, tears still threatening to spill and smiles on your face. You shake your head, unwillingly looking away and back at Dr. Jordan. “No, I think we’re good.”

Dr. Jordan smiles at the both of you. “Sounds good. Call us if you ever have any questions, okay? And congratulations, I’m excited for you both.” He stands and leaves.

You let go of Grayson’s hand to sit up and adjust your clothes. He continues to stand there just watching you. When you hop off and look up at him, a tear has rolled down his cheek.

“Are you okay?” Your brows pull together in concern and you grab his biceps lightly, rubbing up and down. This seems to snap him out of his trance a bit.

“Uh, yeah. That was just really incredible. We met our baby today. You’re growing our baby in here,” he puts both hands on your stomach and you giggle.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Thank you.” He looks so sincerely into your eyes, making you blush.

“You ready to go?” You ask, walking away from him to grab your purse. This man is way too powerful to be making you feel a certain type of way. You are two friends having a baby. A friend baby.

He looks a bit hurt for a moment but quickly recovers. “Uh, yeah.” He walks to the door and opens it for you.

You get your tests all done and figured out, and schedule your next appointment for around Easter so that you’d have an excuse to be home from school. Before you know it, you and Grayson are walking out of the doctor’s office. He’s got an arm around your shoulder as you approach your cars.

“Can I bring you and strawberry to lunch? I don’t wanna leave you guys yet,” he says sheepishly, almost like he was nervous to ask you.

“Sure,” you smile up at him and wrap your arm around his waist. He lets out a breath of air he had been holding in and relaxes a bit.

“Cool. I’ll drive us and bring you back here after. Don’t need you woozy behind the wheel after your blood draw.” He rubs your shoulder.

“How is it that we are literally having a baby together and you somehow treat me like I’m the baby?” You laugh.

“One day you’ll let me take care of you,” he chuckles, shaking his head as you part ways to get into his truck.

You get into the passenger seat, buckling in. You were floating on cloud nine, it felt like you and Grayson were actually a little family.

Your thoughts are interrupted when he gets into his seat and adjusts.

“Can I ask you something?” He asks while he buckles.

“Of course.”

“Do you think we could, like, record a little video update or something?” You raise your brows, a bit confused.

“Of what?”

“Just like our thoughts and reactions and stuff. I was thinking I could put a video together at the end of all this for us and our baby when we’re all older and wanna remember. It wouldn’t go on YouTube or anything, not unless you wanted it to. And you probably don’t know a better video editor to do this project,” he bites his lip and raises his eyebrows while trying to gauge your reaction.

Your eyes are suddenly filled with tears again, thinking about how much Grayson really loves this baby. You nod and wipe under your eyes. “Yeah, that’d be cute,” you squeak out, not trying to let on how affected you are buy his words.

“Hey, don’t cry.” He moves his hand to rub your thigh. “Only good things, sweet girl.”

You nod and laugh. “I know. Everything makes me cry now.” You sniffle and breath in, collecting yourself a bit. “I’m ready, let’s do it.”

He reaches into his pocket and brings his phone out, holding it up so that you’re both in the frame. He starts to record and you watch the both of you on the screen. “Hello to whoever is lucky enough to be shown this video.” This makes you giggle, and he smiles. “We just got out of our first appointment together and saw our little baby for the first time.” He instinctively puts his hand on your stomach and your hand goes on top of his. “If you’re our precious baby watching this, we are so excited to meet you. Your mama and I already love you so much.” This makes you squeeze his hand and he looks over to you. “Anything you wanna say?”

“I dunno. What do you think I should say?” You giggle, your cheeks flushing when you meet his eyes.

“Anything you’ll wanna remember in a couple years. I know it’s weird talking to a camera at first, but I’ll cut this all out.” His gaze is kind and patient while you think of what you want to say.

“It’s still so surreal that I’m even pregnant, but hearing our baby’s heartbeat today has made me so grateful I’m able to be in this position. I’ve been so excited to be a mom my whole life, so if you’re my beautiful baby watching, thank you for making my dreams come true.” You smile at the camera and Grayson keeps his eyes on you. You look to him expectantly.

He shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts before turning to look at the camera.

“We’re about to go feed mama and baby now, as long as they’re feeling good of course. If baby is watching this still, thank your mom for all she went through for you when she was growing you, she’s working hard,” he chuckles and you laugh.

“I’m feeling good right now. Want a turkey BLT, actually.”

“What the woman wants, she gets. We’ll see you whenever the next exciting thing happens.” He turns the recording off and puts his phone away, starting the car.

“That’s gonna be really cute,” you sigh, the smile still sitting on your face.

“Yeah, I think it’ll be nice to have when we want to look back on all of this,” he pauses. “Do you know somewhere nearby with good sandwiches?”

“Yeah, there’s a deli like five minutes from here.”

You and Grayson head to the deli and have a nice lunch. Well, you do. Grayson eats a plain roll and pickles because all of the sandwiches had meat on them. You felt really bad, but he assured you it was okay because your little strawberry was craving a BLT.

Once you finish your sandwich, you notice he’s kind of zoned out.

“Grayson?” You look at him, folding your trash up while he just stares at you.

“Come stay with me for the rest of your break,” he blurts out all of a sudden. Your eyes widen.

“What?”

“Come stay for the next few days. We’re not going to get a lot of time together until you’re already halfway through everything.”

You start laughing awkwardly. “Grayson, I can’t just live with your family for a few days, they don’t know me. We don’t really know each other. Wouldn’t that be weird?”

He opens his mouth to rebuttal, but closes it again to think for a moment.

“It’s okay, Grayson. We don’t have to act like any of this is normal, we don’t have to force anything. Everything you’ve done for me has really been for strawberry. Don’t feel like you have any obligation to me.”

Grayson looks a bit hurt by your words, but nods. “Ready to go?” He stands up.

You sigh and nod, getting up with him. You throw your trash out and walk out with him. His hand doesn’t reach for you.

When you’re both settled back into his car, he sighs out your name so that you’ll look at him.

“I know this is all weird and stuff, but we’re going to have to be friends to raise this baby together. And my friends have come to stay with me at this house before. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. Nine months isn’t a long time to start, never mind the fact that we won’t really see each other until you graduate, and I want us to be in the best place possible for our baby.” He starts the car, not looking at you while he finishes speaking.

“I’m sorry I got weird. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything for me.” You cross your arms, trying to shrink into the cushions of your seat.

“You’re right, technically I don’t. But I’m not a piece of shit and I plan on being a good dad. Plus, any friend of Jessie’s is a friend of mine, so even if you hadn’t gotten pregnant, we still would have hung out whenever you were in Jersey. I do what I want, and this is what I want to do.” He stops at a red light and looks at you for a second to see a pout on your lips. “And I hate being the reason you don’t smile. So, if you wanna, come stay with me for the next few days let’s do it, but if that makes you uncomfortable you should stay with Anna. We’re in the same boat, we both don’t have do anything we don’t want to.”

You sit there silently, pondering for a moment. A part of you dwells on the fact that he said you guys are friends, but friends don’t have other friend’s babies and then have them stay at their house with their family. The other part of you wants to throw caution to the wind and just enjoy your time with him before he moves on to start a life with someone for real.

“I’ll come,” you mumble. It almost surprises you more than Grayson that that’s your answer. You’re gonna blame the hormones for making you so impulsive.

“Okay.” His smile grows across his face. “Do you wanna come tomorrow morning so that you can have one more night with Anna?”

“Yeah, they’re gonna want to have dinner with me tonight if I’m not going to see them for a while.”

You guys pull back into the doctor’s office parking lot and he brings you back to your car. He parks and turns to you.

“I’m really excited to spend time with you, Y/N. Besides the fact you’re pregnant with my kid, you’re pretty funny sometimes,” he laughs. You scoff jokingly, biting your lip as you look at him.

“Sometimes? Well I think your jokes are cheesy.”

“Oh, do you now? Is that why you laugh every time?”

“Shut up,” you laugh with him, unbuckling your seatbelt.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? And don’t freak yourself out about meeting my mom, she’s excited to meet you. She’s really excited to meet the amazing woman giving her a grandchild.”

Your eyes widen a bit. “I forgot I was going to meet her. Now I’m more freaked out than before.” You wondered how you’d even introduce yourself to her. Hi I’m Y/N, your son and I hooked up literally once and are now having a baby.

“Hey, get out of your head, sweet girl. I told you, she’s excited. You’ll get along well, anyways. You’re pretty similar people.” He leans over to rub your thigh.

“Okay, I trust you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” You squeeze his hand and open the door to get out. You turn to close the door and it looks like he wants to say something, but doesn’t. You wave and shut the door before getting back in your car.

What the hell did you get yourself into?

***

Grayson walks back into his house, almost body slamming Ethan by accident.

“Dude, watch out. Were you sitting here waiting for me the whole time?” He jokes, an annoyed Ethan rubbing his chest where Grayson’s shoulder hit him.

“No, stupid. I was going to take the quad for a ride. How’d the appointment go?” He watches Grayson put his keys down.

“Good. We heard the heartbeat and stuff, everyone’s healthy.” Grayson smiles to himself just thinking about it.

“It took, like, three hours for the doctor just to tell you that? Ma and I were scared something bad happened.”

“Nah, I took Y/N to lunch after because she really wanted a sandwich and it’s usually hard for her to even eat anything that early.”

“Oh, a date?” Ethan raises his brow as Grayson turns to him. Grayson rolls his eyes.

“No. A ‘you’re pregnant with my baby thanks for growing it’ lunch.”

“Yeah, okay. You’re gonna lie and tell me you’re not already in love with her or some shit?”

“E,” Grayson groans.

“No dude, you have to be careful. She’s going to be a part of your life forever now. Don’t fuck it up by falling too fast and then moving on. She’s not one of your ‘soulmates.’ She’s the mother of your kid. Just be smart.” Ethan opens the door and goes outside.

Grayson stands there for a minute, considering what Ethan said. He’s right, he can’t get caught up in any feelings he has for you because whatever relationship you have, it has to last forever. He knows he has the tendency to fall fast and then move on fast, too. He can’t do that with you.

***

You say your goodbye’s to Anna and her family before you head off to Jersey. You decide to call Grayson instead of texting him to let him know you’ve left. He picks up on the fourth ring.

“Hey, what’s up? Everything okay?”

This makes you laugh. “Yeah, the only time something is wrong is when I call you and something is wrong is at night. I just wanted to let you know I left so I’ll be there in an hour.”

“Oh, good. Okay. Can I make any breakfast for you?”

“Absolutely not. Can’t eat right now.”

“I’m sorry.” He pauses. “I’m gonna go to the store right now, tell me what you need.” You hear him shuffle around on the other end.

“What I need? Nothing,” you giggle.

“Oh my god my baby mama doesn’t even use shampoo I think I’m the one who has morning sickness now,” you hear him fake gag which makes you laugh harder.

“Grayson, I’ve got little toiletries and stuff. I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t want you to be fine, I want you to be comfortable. Now tell me what I’m buying you because I’m already in the car.”

You list off all the products you use, the snacks have been your favorites, and he even says he’s going to get facemasks for you all to do.

When you pull into the long driveway, the butterflies erupt in your stomach. You had absolutely no clue how this would go, but there was no turning back now. You couldn’t, the driveway was too narrow to do that.

You reach the house and pull up next to the other cars in the driveway. You see Grayson sitting on the porch, which makes you laugh.

You turn the car off and go to gather your things when you hear your door open. You turn and see a giddy Grayson standing there.

“Hey.”

You laugh. “Hi there.”

“Where’s your stuff?”

“My bag is in the back seat.” He moves to grab your bag as you get your purse and hop out of the car, closing your door. He does the same once he’s got your bag on his shoulder.

“Welcome to the humble abode,” he says as he leads you by putting his hand on your back. You walk to the door and he opens it, letting you step in first.

“It is so nice in here.”

“My mom is super into décor and stuff. Wanna see where you’re staying?” You nod and he leads you to a closed door. When you look inside you see a bed next to… the washing and drier machine? You give him a questioning look.

“So we don’t have a guest room and I moved my bed into here because Ethan is annoying and I can’t share a room with him anymore. I’ll sleep on the couch.” You nod, walking inside. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not ideal. Ethan and I are gonna look for our own place when we’re back for the summer.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve slept in way worse place,” you giggle and he raises his brow.

“Alright, won’t ask. Ethan’s been low key dying to see you, even if he won’t admit it. He’s excited to meet his little niece or nephew.”

“Well I can’t deny him of that, can I? Where is he?”

Grayson leads you out into the main area. Ethan’s sitting at the dining table on his computer when he looks up and sees you. He’s immediately jumping up out of his seat.

“Y/N!” He runs over, but is stopped short by Grayson’s hand on his chest.

“Chill, bro. She’s pregnant. Don’t tackle her.”

Ethan rolls his eyes, ignoring him and keeping eye contact with you. “Hi.”

“Hi,” you giggle. He looks at you expectantly. You’re fully laughing now as you grab his hand and put it on your stomach. He’s falling to his knees instantly, his other hand going to the other side of your tummy.

“Hey baby. I know you don’t have ears or anything yet, but this is Uncle E talking to you. You have a whole bunch of people out here waiting for your arrival, but I’m definitely the most excited.” Grayson slaps the back of his head. “Ow. Okay, most excited besides your parents. I’ll be the cool uncle and all that.” He stands back up, looking at you again. “Sorry. Hi, how are you?” He laughs.

“I’m good, how are you?” You giggle.

“Good, yeah,” he nods. You all just stand there for a second looking at one another.

“Okay, we’re getting all the awkward out now because I refuse to be treated like the random hookup who got pregnant. Okay?” You look at the both of them and they look a bit surprised by your boldness. “Sorry, I’ve lost the little filter I had before.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. Awkward is all gone now. Let’s give you a tour.” Ethan puts an arm around your shoulder and brings you into the kitchen, leaving Grayson where he’s standing. He follows behind you, his hands in his pockets while he watches the both of you interact.

You and Ethan get along really well. After your initial moment, it seems like you’d actually be really good friends. You felt bad for not talking to him more over winter break.

Grayson is not a huge fan. He’s sitting on the sidelines watching you talk and laugh while Ethan tells you all about the new video they’re editing right now. Before Grayson can cut in, Lisa walks in.

She smiles. “You must be Y/N.”

You stand from your chair, giving a soft smile as you wipe your sweaty hands on your leggings. “Hi, Mrs. Dolan. It’s really nice to meet you.” You hold your hand out to her and she laughs, pulling you into a hug.

“Honey, call me Lisa.” She rubs your back before pulling away and holding your elbows to look you in the eyes. “How’re you feeling?”

“Good!”

“Really? That’s good! These two put me through hell when I was pregnant with them. Can I get you anything?” You shake your head.

“No, I’m okay for now.”

“Just trying not to puke?” You laugh and nod. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“I’d know that face anywhere. Your first trimester is almost over, so you should be feeling better soon. Let me know if you need anything, okay?” She squeezes your arms before stepping back.

“Of course. Thank you for letting me stay.”

“This home is as much yours as it is Grayson’s now. You’re welcome here any time.” You smile and nod.

“Alright, you’re all gonna scare her away. Y/N, come see upstairs?” Grayson interjects and a part of you is relieved. Even though things were going really well, you were still on edge. You nod and go to follow him upstairs.

“I’m sorry about that, they just want you to feel comfortable here.” He leads you into a bathroom and shuts the door, making you laugh. “What?”

“The last time we were in this situation I got pregnant.” He starts laughing with you and you let your hand fall onto his shoulder.

Once you calm down, you smile widely at him. “They’re good people. Nice people. I’m sorry if I seem rude or off, I was just so anxious.”

He nods and pulls you into a hug, rubbing your back. You melt into him snuggling into his warm chest.

“It’s okay, they definitely understand. Plus, you didn’t seem anything but positive and happy. I couldn’t even tell you were trying not to puke.” You can feel his laugh rumble up through his chest.

“I’m still trying not to,” you laugh with him and he pulls back holding your shoulders to inspect your face. “I’m not gonna. Probably.” He raises his eyebrow. “Okay, if I do I’ll tell you so you can leave.” His face falls at that.

“No, I’ll sit with you and rub your back and all that. Get you water and stuff.” You’re shaking your head immediately.

“I hate puking in front of people. It’s okay, I’ve been doing it for weeks now. I’ve got a routine.” He pouts and pulls you back into a hug.

“I’m sorry. Please tell me if I can do literally anything for you.”

“You do enough, Gray. Don’t worry about it,” you mumble into his chest.

“What do you usually do to feel better?”

“Anything to distract myself. I just need to not think about it.”

“Challenge accepted.” He removes himself completely from you, opening the door. “Let’s go.”

The rest of the day with the Dolans is great. Grayson was right, you and Lisa are very similar and get along almost as well as you and Ethan do. You’re grateful they’re being so kind to you. Grayson is happy you’re getting along with his family, but it also makes him feel something he hasn’t felt in a while. Jealousy. He doesn’t want to admit that he likes having all of your attention, but he can’t act like he doesn’t want it all the time. When you’re on the phone with him, you’re usually alone. He liked when he got to hear about your day and then he got to open up to you. What can he say, he’s a selfish man.

That’s why when the night is winding down, he asks his family if you guys can watch a movie alone. Lisa goes up to her room for the night, but Ethan isn’t so kind at first.

“What, you don’t want me to crash your date?” He sits beside you on the couch where you’re right next to Grayson. Your cheeks blush and Grayson rolls his eyes.

“Shut the fuck up, E. Go away, you’ve harassed her all day.”

You open your mouth to say something but Ethan beats you to it.

“What if she likes spending time with me? After all, I am the better twin.”

“Bro if you don’t stop talking, I’ll fucking hit you.” “Yeah Gray? Doubt it. Y/N, I don’t blame you for-“ Ethan can’t finish his sentence before Grayson is up and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt to get him to stand up.

“Out. Now.” Ethan holds his hands up in mock surrender as he backs away.

“Fine. I’m out. But, you know. Have a good date. Use protection.” He laughs as he walks up the stairs. You chuckle as Grayson huffs and plops down next to you.

“I fucking hate him sometimes. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, that shit was kind of funny.”

Grayson settles in, remote in one hand and your thigh in the other. “What do you wanna watch?”

“Anything’s fine, I’m pretty tired anyways.” He nods and puts on Someone Great. You’d already seen it, but you didn’t say anything. You’d probably be asleep within ten minutes, anyway.

You were right. You don’t even remember seeing the first five minutes of the movie. You’re slumped on Grayson’s shoulder, snoring softly.

Grayson does everything in his power not to move, not wanting to disturb you. He thought you were cute when you slept.

You’re woken up when you feel Grayson shifting underneath you. You’d moved to be half on top of him in your sleep. You decide to ignore it, hoping you’d just fall back asleep. But, he’s moving under you again.

“Gray?” You mumble, barely audible.

“Sorry, sweet girl. Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay. Stop moving.”

“Yeah, okay.” He puts his hands on your torso, shifting you a bit before he stills. That’s when you realize what you hear. There are moans coming from the tv. You open one eye, looking at the screen and sure enough they’re having sex. You giggle a bit.

“Hmm?” Grayson hums, running a hand over your back.

“Did the sex scene make you uncomfy?” This makes him laugh, shaking your body with his.

“No. Not uncomfy.” You suck in a breath at the implication of his words. You think back to what Anna said. Pregnant sex would probably be really hot. But you have no idea if he’d even be interested in that.

“Missing your girls from LA?” You’re asking before you can control your tongue. Your eyes widen as you realize what you’ve said. You might just chop your tongue off completely.

“What?”

“Nothing, was a joke. Let me sleep.” You breathe out, hoping he didn’t hear you.

“Y/N.” He pats your back and then pushing your shoulder to roll you over. He grabs your chin so you have to look at him. “What did you say?”

“I asked if you were missing your LA girls. It was a joke, because of the whole sex scene. Didn’t mean anything by it.” His face looks stone cold, like you’ve made him mad. “I’m sorry.”

“There are no LA girls,” he huffs, rolling his eyes. You raise your eyebrows. “What, do you think I’m a fuck boy or some shit?”

“Well, kinda.”

He looks genuinely shocked at your words, shaking his head. “Y/N, no. Hell no. Even if I was before, not now. There’s no LA girls, and there never have been.” He crosses his arms, completely retracting from you. You sit up.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I know it’s a shitty assumption, but I mean what were we doing? I just thought you did that with everyone.”

He bites his lip, thinking carefully about what he wants to say next.

“I know what we did was only once, but I thought you were a good person. After we left, I kinda looked forward to when I’d see you over the summer whenever Jessie would bring you around. I don’t know what I was thinking or expecting, but it wasn’t a one and done deal. Ethan just really didn’t feel good that morning and made me leave before I could see you.”

You nod, taking this new information in. Of all the things he was going to say, you didn’t expect that. Although, he seems to always be filled with surprises.

“I’m sorry. It was a stupid comment, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Have there been any college guys?” He raises a brow.

“What? No. Even if I didn’t feel like a chubby marshmallow or some shit, no. I was…affected by our night together. And not just in the pregnant way.” You lean back next to him, mirror his posture.

“Oh, so you couldn’t stop thinking about my dick?” He smirks at you. You hit his arm and laugh.

“Shut up, that makes it sound so…dirty.”

“If it’s not dirty, then how were you thinking about it?”

“I don’t know. Just knew no one would really meet my expectations like you did.” Your voice is getting quieter and quieter as you feel like you want the couch to swallow you up.

“Yeah? How so?”

“You’re the first guy to make me finish.”

He gasps. “Y/N, no. Liar.”

You shake your head slowly, biting your lip.

“Wow. First guy to make you cum, first guy to impregnate you. I’m on a roll.” He puts his arm around your shoulder as you laugh.

“Oh god, I’m feeding his ego more and more.” You throw your arms up in defeat and he laughs.

“Well, the thought of you getting off to the thought of me this whole time definitely feeds my ego.”

Your cheeks blush as you roll your eyes. “Shut up.”

He laughs harder, pulling you closer to his body. “Nothing to be ashamed of, baby. Your hormones are raging. I’ve heard through the grapevine that pregnant women are horny all the time.”

“The grapevine? Who’s that?” “…Movies.”

“Alright well if you’ve got no LA girls, then you’ve been jerking off to the thought of me, too so I don’t appreciate the mockery.” You finally look at him, pointing your finger at him.

He bites his lips, his cheeks also becoming a dark shade of red. “You’ve caught me red handed.”

You giggle and poke his cheek. “That’s what I thought. Bet your fantasy is all ruined now that I’m getting bigger, though.”

He looks at you genuinely confused. “What?” You look at him with the same look of confusion. “Pregnancy isn’t sexy.”

He laughs. Like genuine, whole hearted laughter. “What are you talking about?” “What are you talking about?” You fire back.

“The fact that you’re pregnant with my baby is the hottest shit ever. I did that shit. We did that shit. It’s hot.”

“We can agree to disagree, then.”

So much for trying to keep things simple, Grayson thinks to himself.

“Let me prove it.”

***

Read the next part here

[strangertheory]

Will Byers! :)

I meant to answer this Ask an eternity ago, and you have been so incredibly patient with me! (Thank you!!!) 

I think because Will is my favorite character, I started to fuss over my answer too much, and before I knew it we were here: a few months later, and a long while after I offered to answer these specific questions for character Asks. Today, I want to finally answer your Ask for my favorite character: Will Byers.

Will Byers

Favorite thing about them:

Will loves and appreciates his friends so much, and you can tell that he would do absolutely anything for Joyce or Jonathan too. My favorite thing about Will is his love and devotion to others. I think that since Castle Byers symbolically represents a safe place for Will, it also reveals what Will deeply cares about and chooses to protect within that safe place, and one of those things is his friendships. “Castle Byers: All Friends Welcome.” Castle Byers represents Will’s desire to welcome all friends with open arms and unconditional acceptance. While I think that Will would be kindhearted regardless, I think that because Will knows how painful rejection is from facing the bullies at school and his father’s insults, Will puts forth an extra effort to make sure that everyone in his life feels appreciated and loved. Will shares his secret safe-place in the woods with anyone willing to be his friend. Castle Byers is like a secret shrine dedicated to everything Will is passionate about (comics, D&D, art) and is also dedicated to those he loves and to those who love and accept him in return. He has photographs of his friends, drawings on the walls that he made about their D&D campaigns together, and comics that they’ve probably all shared. In spite of his limited means, Will is very generous with what he offers to others: he gave the little girl that was crying in the sandbox his Tonka Truck (even though Joyce cautioned him that they couldn’t afford to get a new one), he’s given Mike dozens of drawings (if Mike’s decorated walls and his binder full of Will’s artworks are any small evidence of this) and Will has given his mom a good number of drawings too that she cherishes. Will wants everyone to feel loved and to be happy, and is grateful to those that are there for him. Undoubtedly some of this stems from his deep insecurities and his lack of self-worth and his desire to be loved and appreciated back, but I think most of it is still rooted in Will’s genuine desire to make sure that other people are happy because their happiness makes him happy too.

Least favorite thing about them:

I appreciate all of the characters for their strengths as well as their flaws because it’s what makes them so very human and relatable. But Will definitely has some traits that I hope, for his own sake, he’ll learn to manage in a healthier way. Will’s weakness is that he often places the wants and needs of others before his own, and he seeks to avoid conflict at all costs. These are arguably admirable traits that are directly related to Will’s love and affection for other people (which I said was my favorite thing about him!), but they can also be self-destructive and unhealthy habits and I think they are, at least in part, the result of Will growing up in a combative and abusive home environment. I admire Will for his selflessness and for his desire to avoid conflict, but I list his excessive selflessness and his excessive desire to keep the peace as two things that make me worry about him. I hope he will learn to balance these two impulses in a healthier way over the next few seasons. I think that learning to deal with these two bad habits in a healthier way will be part of Will’s personal growth over the next two seasons.

Favorite line(s):

“Yea. Crazy together.”

brOTP:

Jonathan and Will, of course! I was sad that we didn’t get more scenes with them together in season 3, but I appreciate every moment in the series that we’ve gotten so far. Jonathan’s effort to reassure Will that it’s ok to be “a freak,” and that being different is preferable to being just like everybody else, was really heartwarming and is probably one of my favorite scenes in the entire series.

OTP:

As you have probably figured out if you have been following my blog for even a few days: I’m convinced that Will and Mike are meant to be together by the end of the series, and I am eager to talk about it some other time in another post.

nOTP:

I cannot bring myself to imagine Will and El ever dating. But I look forward to them hopefully becoming very close, and teaming up platonically!

random headcanon:

Hmmm. So this is actually the part of this post that had me delaying responding to your Ask for so long, because my head-canon for Will is incredibly specific, unconventional, frequently controversial (from what I've noticed when this topic is discussed), and a bit complicated to explain. But I do want to talk about it! And I want to clarify that I actually don’t think of this as a head-canon: I solidly consider it a theory that might account for what is happening to Will, and what also is happening to other characters based on specific evidence within the series so far.

I won’t get into all of the evidence and layers in this post (because there is a lot), but I strongly suspect that Will Byers is being written as a character with dissociative identity disorder and that much of Stranger Things is about alters learning to work together as a System while confronting and resolving trauma that is manifesting itself in internal worlds and dreams various symbolic and fantastical ways (as well as in some very humanly monstrous ways too, unfortunately.) Whether the entire story is taking place within an internal world or whether everything has sprung out of the mind and into the external world is definitely a question I think about a lot, but my current interpretation is that a good amount of the story takes place in a liminal space between our external world / reality and a mental space that the characters are sometimes exploring.

Stranger Things follows characters that are canonically dealing with PTSD, significant levels of memory loss (Will couldn’t remember who Hopper was in season 2 while at the Lab), suddenly shifting from being mentally present in the world to being in a different perceived place (is the Upside Down an internal world?), perceived changes in personality and identity, traumatic visions and experiences (flashbacks? memories?) that often parallel one another in an eerie way, and many other specific details. Add to that Doctor Owens’ preoccupation with Will’s brain scans and Mr. Clarke’s lesson in season 2 in which he discusses Phineas Gage’s changed personality following Gage’s brain injury (which is not an example of DID but is still thematically relevant, and an oddly specific topic to feature in the series) and the clues just continue to add up. Even if this theory isn’t correct I look forward to continuing to discover more about the established rules of the Stranger Things universe and what is going on with Will, El, Hopper, the Numbers, all of these horrible father-figures (notably Dr. Brenner, Lonnie, and Neil) and the mysterious Lab.

(One last important note regarding this theory: please do not base your knowledge of DID on any fictional representation of it in popular media. A lot of misrepresentations of DID exist in Hollywood and pop culture. If you'd like to learn more on this topic, please read about it in medical publications and resources with verifiable authority on the topic.)

unpopular opinion:

I think that the theory I mentioned above is probably my most unpopular opinion/thought regarding what I think Will is dealing with.

songs I associate with them:

The songs that they chose to feature on Will’s official Spotify Playlist are all songs that I associate with Will at this point. I’m so impressed by the attention the creators of Stranger Things devote to the music not only in the show but to the characters’ official playlists. One track that definitely jumps out at me from Will’s official playlist is Afraid by The Neighborhood. The lyrics of the chorus are eerily specific: “When I wake up / I’m afraid / somebody else will take my place / when I wake up / I’m afraid / somebody else will end up being me.”

favorite picture(s) of them:

[winnipegpatty]

living in the dark | s.m. one-shot

a/n: cute little one-shot about vlogging

The idea had sprung up pretty quickly after the school had found out that Shawn and Y/N were together, but it had mostly been a joke. Like a dumb off handed comment that Y/N had made after filming one of Shawn’s vines. She’d bumped Shawn’s shoulder and threw it out not even really realizing what she was saying, “Maybe you should start a blog.” They had both laughed about it then, but only a couple days later Shawn had asked.

He was on the his back lying on the plush white rug that every teenage girl has in her room, and Y/N was laying with her head on Shawn’s chest. Shawn was playing with her hair when he’d blurted out, “What did you mean a blog? Like a youtube channel? One of those social media things?”

Y/N had was shocked, but she’d always been more smooth with her words and emotions, “Well, I just figure you already put all your stuff out there with singing, but like,” she rolled her head to look up at Shawn, “I mean, why not put stuff out there other than just your songs videos?”

“What kinda stuff though?” His hand stilled in her hair.

She shrugged, “I dunno, we could do it together. I don’t know like vlog together or something. I mean like, labels and producers, more than anything...they want to know your personality, ya know? Like who is Shawn, really?” She shrugged quickly, “It’s stupid, whatever.”

Shawn hummed, but didn’t respond. And Y/N had thought that was the end of it.

Their senior trip was coming up in the next month, and since Pickering was such a small town, plenty of their classmates had never been to the city. So they’d spent their year raising money through banquets, fundraisers, dances and car washes to make it to the city. They would be spending four days in Toronto doing plenty of tourist things, which Y/N planned on making fun of the whole time. But four days away from Pickering were four days of heaven to Y/N. Toronto used to be her home.

Shawn was just home now.

Small town, rural life was not up Y/N's ally. The lights, the hustle and bustle, the sky risers of the city was a living, breathing life. She thrived in the city, and she’d made sure (with permission of course) to take Shawn as much as possible since they’d been together. Shawn enjoyed the city as much as Y/N, but always seemed to sigh a breath of relief once back in Pickering.

One day, they’d find a middle ground life together. Less rural for Y/N’s taste, but still with fields and hills for Shawn. That was in the future though, nothing she and Shawn had actually discussed of course. But also, plenty of what Y/N had thought about almost every day that she woke up knowing Shawn was with her.

As the senior trip had approached though, Shawn was acting funny-- odd really. He’d asked Y/N an unordinary amount of questions about her photography. What cameras she preferred, what kind of lens’ you needed for different shots, how much each camera cost, if they shot video or just still picture. It wasn’t that Y/N didn’t like having Shawn show interest in her hobby, but it was just, well frankly it was weird. She’d thought about confronting Shawn about it, but decided it really wasn’t that big of a deal. Maybe he was looking for a present for Y/N and fishing for ideas, or perhaps he was wanting to take up photography for himself. Y/N didn’t know but it just didn’t really matter anyways. If Shawn wanted to talk about it he would.

It wasn’t until Shawn had mysteriously disappeared to the city for an entire day that Y/N became suspicious if not slightly concerned. When she’d offered to come with Shawn, he had flat out refused, no forbidden really, Y/N from trailing along.

Whatever he was doing in New York City he was clearly hiding it.

Y/N hadn’t decided if she thought it was a surprise that she’d eventually be told about or if it was actually just a blatant lie.

She was concerned, but she still didn’t want to press. Didn’t feel it was her place, really.

Later that evening, after he’d returned, Shawn pulled Y/N into his bedroom hastily. Shawn dropped his arm once the door to his bedroom shut. He moved towards his bed, reaching around his nightstand to pull something out from behind it.

“I took,” Shawn popped up from behind the bed, hands still out of view, “your advice.” He smiled brightly before lifting his hands over the bed.

A GoPro camera stared back at a baffled Y/N. Her mouth hung open, her confusion evident. “I don’t understand.”

“The blog!” Shawn sprang excitedly out from behind the side of the bed and came closer to Y/N. “I got a camera, and I want us to document, or whatever you call it, our senior trip!”

Y/N’s face must be a sight to see because Shawn laughed lightly at her.

“Yeah, well...okay.” Y/N stuttered.

She didn’t think Shawn would actually listened. Truly. Y/N had thought Shawn had completely pushed the idea aside as just one of those stupid things that Y/N had mentioned off handedly, but apparently it had caught Shawn’s attention.

“Listen,” Shawn said softly. His hand not holding the camera softly brushed at Y/N’s wrist, “I spent some time, like, uh, watching?”

Y/N tilted her head, “Watching?”

“Yeah, uh, researching, I guess. I watched a bunch of popular people doing their blogs.” Shawn huffed out an annoyed sigh and started at the ceiling fan as it spun in circles, “Look it’s probably stupid, but I don’t know...I thought maybe I could do -- we could do -- a girlfriend tag video?”

A slow smile of realization spread over the young girls face. “That’s not stupid,” she spoke softly.

“Uh…” Shawn fidgeted at the point where his fingers met Y/N’s wrist. “Could we maybe do it now? Here?”

Y/N placed a sweet kiss on Shawn’ cheek. “Of course, Shawn.”

It took some time to get the camera set up, even with Y/N’s knowledge of cameras. They rested their backs up against the window of Shawn’s bedroom, the camera situated just so, pointing towards them. Shawn had the questions pulled up on his phone.

“Okay, so I just start by introducing us, and then I’ll ask the questions okay?”

Y/N nodded, allowing Shawn to take the lead as he saw fit.

The camera came on, and Y/N was shocked to say the least. It was a whole new Shawn. Bright and focused, tall posture, light hand on Y/N’s knee where his legs were crossed. “Well, hey guys!” Shawn’ voice seeped into Y/N’s bones. “I’m Shawn and this is my girlfriend Y/N. We’re going to do the girlfriend tag as our first ever video! I’m really excited.” Shawn looked at Y/N brightly, “Okay, first question. Starting easy, simple, ya know. When and where did we meet?”

“Well, we first saw each other in the halls, really. Junior year. I saw you outside in the parking lot, in your Jeep, trying to look all manly. I think you took notice of the camera I was holding, and we kind of just set up a time to record your vines because you’re utterly helpless. That time I came over to help record is when we really like, talked though.”

Shawn nodded along with the story, “True. We did have a class together too, but we never really talked in that. Okay question two, doing good so far,” Shawn chuckled. “Where was our first kiss?”

“The cabin.” Y/N answered quickly.

“Right, yeah. Moving on.” Not something they particularly wanted to discuss over camera.  “Who said I love you first?”

“Pretty sure that was me, and you were not happy with me.”

A slow smiled creeped up on Shawn’ face. He placed a soft kiss on Y/N's cheek before whispering a sorry and accompanying I love you that only Y/N could hear. “Where does my family come from?”

Y/N laughed, “Good ‘ole Pickering.”

“When did you meet my parents?”

Y/N laughed, “Officially or unofficially?”

“Both.”

Y/N thought a moment, “Well I came by once while you were doing some vine things and your dad came into your room to ask about homework. You pushed me into your closet because you weren’t allowed to have girls in your room, but that was really the first time I’d seen him. Officially we met, I suppose, when y’all came over for dinner for the first time.”

Shawn looked at the camera, “We had a tough get going,” Shawn laughed lightly, “Strict parents and all, but that’s a story for another time. What is the one thing you wish I didn’t do?”

“Run away to the city and not take me with you, you fucking jerk.” Y/N shoved Shawn’ shoulder, “Fuck, can I say fuck on YouTube?”

“I think it’s fine,” Shawn laughed. “Okay, what is my shoe size?”

“13.”

“Yeah?” Shawn slipped back from Y/N for a moment, “That’s weird.”

“Mmm.” Y/N shrugged.

“Well, okay…Next?” He glanced at his phone in his lap, scrolling quietly, “Okay, what’s a food I don’t like?”

“Sushi.” Y/N laughed, “You spit it out when I took you to that sushi place in the city.”

“Raw fish should not be eaten, folks. Okay, who’s my best friend?”

Y/N looked at Shawn. As their eyes met a bit, a silent communication of sorts, his lips twisted a bit in thought. His hand came up to pick at his lip a bit, “Well, I mean, I would probably say….me? I don’t know though…I guess if not me, then Brian.”

“Of course. Both can be considered correct,” Shawn’s lip quirked up on the left corner. He did that when he was sweetly surprised. Y/N knew that, knew everything really. Every small detail, every gesture Shawn made. Knew exactly what it meant. Knew what he was saying just by looking into his eyes, breathing his air. Knew that look in his eyes right this very second meant he’d be leaning in to kiss her within seconds.

Surely enough, Shawn did lean in. Their lips met in a sweet embrace. Y/N let out a breath against his lips. It was her home. Shawn was her home.

With a soft break, Y/N whispered, barely audible even to Shawn’ own ears, “You’re my best friend too.” Y/N knew if she said it any louder, thought any longer about, she might cry. She got overly emotional sometimes, but Shawn knew this about her. And it was okay. Shawn pecked her two more times in quick succession before laughing cutely and looking back at his phone, “Okay, maybe just a couple more? What film always makes me cry?”

Y/N burst into laughter, “Bambi!”

“Okay, fine. Last one. What am I most afraid of?”

Y/N paused. There had been so many things they were both afraid of. “Well, Shawn. I think you were always most afraid of me…” Not specifically of her, but of being in love with her. He was so guarded around her at first. It had taken months for him to really let her in. He was scared of getting hurt.

Shawn nodded. “Yeah, I think you’re right.” He reached for Y/N’s hand that was picking at the carpet fibers. “But you’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Y/N’s face was like the sun, Shawn was sure of it. She could illuminate the entire world if the sun ceased to exist. Could light up everyone's life, he was sure of it. Knew it. Without a doubt. Because she did it every day from him.

Wasn’t that how it always had been though?

Shawn living in the dark, until Y/N came around?

tagging: @peacedolantwins2 @rosecth @unhealthyobsessionwithmarvel @justanotherfangurl272 @yourwonderbelle

[fern-poets]

Study essentials 101

Always know why you are doing this... let’s say you want to be the best surgeon ever, or, perhaps the most badass engineer, mathematician... you know the drill. The things is that when you have a core goal, no rain, cloud, break up, or failure can ever stop you from being one step closer to that goal.

Find your studying spot and time: yes. Are you more an early morning or a “what the hell is sleep- student”? Perhaps you will thrive on productivity sitting by your desk, while others lay on bed, the floor... pick your poison. *joke intended.

If the weather is cold, I aaaaalways suggest choosing one sweater/cardigan/pullover that A) keeps you warm enough. B) Is not too warm to make you feel awful. C) You will use only AND EXCLUSIVELY on study sessions. Yes. The thing is tricking your brain into the studying mood... it’s like wearing a uniform to school, or as a superhero... you get that.

If you had poor sleep the night before: according to several studies, the #idealnap lasts exactly 20- 30 minutes in order to be as rested and not groggy as possible. https://www.sleepfoundation.org/articles/napping

If you are TOO HUNGRY... on the edge of ravenously shaking at the kitchen door, try, for the love of life, not to overeat. You want to keep it steady and as healthy as possible not to feel bloated. (Trust me, food baby ain’t lying). The trick here is avoiding any issues or uncomfortable feelings, so you do not quit the hard work by rolling under the blankets and talking to that pack of Oreos in your tummy.

Take yourself seriously. Honestly. Respect your self. Do not cram all your notes eight hours before the test. You will suffer a faster neurological damage, not dramatically, but this will harm your brain long term. Pulling an all nighter is just productive when you need the adrenaline to work on an essay, or something artistic, while logical, scientific duties cannot be fitted violently on your beautiful brain. Take care of it, because it’s taking you places... plus, you are not going to actually learn a thing. It’s just short term memory, and I think life is about all the beauty we find in knowledge and wisdom.

When you are emotionally exhausted; people got the best of you, your family caused tension, your best friend was not such, your couple/date/crush threw your heart by the window. I know it sucks. But if you feel way too bad, this is life giving you a wake up call: YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR MIND TOGETHER AND FEED YOUR SELF ESTEEM. Precisely; don’t say you love yourself in the mirror thirty times. Prove it by cutting the leeching, toxic assholes out of your life, eating healthy *mostly, going for a run, standing up for yourself, doing what you love... and most important: knowing that nobody, no matter how hard they hurt you, can ever take a piece of you away. Ever. You are still you, and he/she didn’t take shit from you. You are still *insert your name*, broken, but fixing yourself and being better away from the bullshit.

Still emotional, even if I’m in a good place: try to step away from it. Do not sleep, I personally don’ t find it refreshing... try going for a walk, playing an instrument, meditating... activities like those will help you get out of the box and realise that 99.99% of the times, what causes you anxiety is SUCH A LITTLE problem, and a fixable one. Don’t ever walk away from the fears of the problem. They will make you the fierce ass person you want to become.

Feeling lonely: we all have felt these way. I’ve got you. All you need is a cuppa’, your beloved ones close, a good movie and a journal... have a cozy day/night. Make yourself feel at home and safe. After meeting those needs, try spending time with people who nourish your mind and soul, not just the “partying hard friend” or the “Why are you so boring” type. Only folks who love who you are and what you do. When alone, grab a cup of tea (as you please) and journal the next phrase: “Dear Me: this is how I feel...” you will be amazed by how fast the reasons and causes pop out of yourself.

When you JUST CANNOT FO-CUS. This one is tricky. You have all your previous points on fleek... then comes your baby bro crying, or your mum yelling to get the laundry done, or dad watching Federer beating an opponent. Take your time. Breathe. *shocker coming* Give some attention to them. Do small talk about the game, offer help with the laundry, hug your sibling. Be engaged in giving love to your family/ source of distraction and try to ask for a little peace (which probably won’t happen, still the love is contagious) go back to your spot and put earphones on. If you are into peaceful studying, try Chopin, Bach and Mozart. If music is not your thing, try ASMR’s of rain, libraries... any kind shall help. Particularly one song named “PANDORA by Hans Z.” Brings hoy and focus to my day. Also, try putting down your phone under the bed covers, on airplane mode on, or find a good app to block social media for a determined amount of time.

Remember: stay consistent. This is a story of you, the effort you put into your dream and how bad you want it. How bad do you want that good grade that will get you into a good University? Or how bad do you want to learn about the Krebs Cycle and the amazing processes your body makes daily to keep you breathing? How bad do you want to be the smartest and most educated athlete out there? Or the brightest actress that knows what a freaking astrolabe is for? I hope from the bottom of my soul that you find this helpful. I hope you know I’m here for you, because I also suffered through high school. I am not perfect, however I’m strong and resilient on making my dreams come true, one day. One day at a time, my friends. If you find this helpful, share it. This is life... sharing knowledge.

Stay curious,

Fernanda.

[ais-n]

So, I saw this on the side of tumblr just now. I missed their original post, apparently, because I didn’t even realize it’s Mental Health Month. 

I don’t have anything incredible to say, but idk. Something about it made me want to say something?

So, probably means nothing and for once I will try to keep this shorter than a frickin dissertation, but I guess I just wanted to say that I get it. I don’t know how to explain or describe better without going into something massively long. Just: I get it. I may not have all of your circumstances, or may not deal with the same issues or illnesses you deal with... may not a lot of things.

But I know how other things feel. I know how it feels to be caught in self-destructive cycles, I know fear for and of yourself, I know depression and the inability to get up or care what happens... I know planning how to kill yourself, I know looking around and not seeing anyone in the media who represents you, I know people telling you directly or indirectly that there’s something wrong with you because of how you are, because it’s different to the point of not being right or “normal.” I know avoidance, and frustration, and anger that doesn’t know where to direct itself so it pops up where it doesn’t belong. I know how weird it can feel, how alienating and lonely, to know there are caring and wonderful people around you but you still feel alone. I know having to constantly check and recheck yourself on things because you don’t trust your own mind. I know how people don’t get it when you can’t do certain things and it’s not because you’re incapable of it, but because you’re actually terrified due to the knowledge of exactly how capable you are. Too capable. I know knowing you’re fucked up. I know reaching for help, I know sometimes getting that help and sometimes not. I know not reaching for help at all and deciding you can handle it alone. I know crying yourself to sleep or waking up crying. I know feeling like you should cry or be upset but not feeling anything and wondering hey, am I a monster? I know that feeling of surprise when you thought you belonged somewhere and casually, offhandedly, someone inadvertently makes it clear you don’t, using words whose impact they’ll never know. I know medication that I had to stop and I know wondering if I should figure out if I ever need to start again. And I know compassion fatigue. Goddamn do I know compassion fatigue.

I know things like that.

But I also know the goodness in other people. I know love and caring. I know refusal to let others decide my own life or destiny. I know humanity can be both reprehensible and wonderful; hateful and loving; destructive and supportive. Human beings are flawed, you could say, but maybe it’s better to say humans are complicated and multifaceted. And, I personally think, always, always capable of change, of choice, and of a chance for a better tomorrow. If not directly for themselves, due to circumstances, then maybe at least for friends, family, loved ones, or future generations of that person because of that fight. 

That may seem unrelated to mental health but mental health has a lot of factors. Some things may purely be biochemical, and others may be more complicated than that. Some things are solely because of how we’re born and how we would be regardless of the world around us, and others are things that develop solely or partially because of how this world and the people in it treated us. 

Whatever fight you’re fighting, I just wanted to say I hope you don’t give up. I believe in you. I believe you can keep moving forward, one step at a time. Even if you have to pause to take a breath, even if that turns into an extended break, it’s okay. It’s okay. As long as you push forward again when you can, in whatever big or small way possible. Even if it’s just for a moment and you have to pause again, tread water again, you still made progress. And you can do it again when you have the energy. You can keep moving forward until you reach your destination. And if that destination seems forever away, all the more reason to fight for it, and all the more reason to pause to give yourself a rest along the way, so you can learn to appreciate the journey as much as you yearn for the destination. Things won’t always go well. Sometimes it will go terribly. Maybe it seems like things are always awful, and it’s the rarity of something going right that stands out to you because of how infrequent it is.

I don’t know what all you’re fighting, or how long that fight will take, or what your goals are along the way. All I know is I truly believe you can make it, you will survive, as long as you never fully give up on yourself. And as long as you can find someone else to not give up on you for those times when you do.

Life isn’t perfect. It seriously sucks sometimes. It’s awful having to navigate an unfriendly world when your own mind seems hellbent on derailing you. I don’t have the answers. I wish I did. All I have is belief in others, but maybe because of that belief, I also think that belief is enough. And I hope you can get to a point where you can see that belief in yourself is enough to have as a minimum, too, even if you can never get all the answers or reach all your goals. Just believe, and breathe, and don’t give up. Because you’re strong enough to fight, no matter what. And, most importantly, you’re worth the time and energy of that fight -- and so much more.

[silenceisbanished]

a chauvinist pig in love with his sister

My favorite part of Susan Sontag’s “Under the Sign of Saturn”, among some interesting thoughts on Riefenstahl and Barthes, is definitely her essay about Antonin Artaud – a man known best for his concept of Theatre of Cruelty (on which he elaborates in an amazing collection of essays called The Theatre and its Double). I won’t get into Artaud’s theory of theater, though, because it’s not all that important for understanding the most interesting part of Sontag’s piece – a very refreshing view of how pop-culture approaches things it finds hard to accept.

The part I’m talking about feels like a self-reflection of an accalimed author/writer/journalist (and all these labels seem fitting since this essay was originally printed in The New Yorker), and it helped me come to terms with starting a lot of books of highly praised authors, yet taking so long to actually finishing them. Especially since I’m currently reading through various works of Bataille and starting to feel like I’d either have to accept that I won’t fully comprehend what’s going on in them, or I will never manage to finish reading his stuff at all.

What Sontag had to say about Artaud rings true about plenty of authors – be it Comte de Lautréamont or Maurice Blanchot. In our current climate it’s easier to hear things about them, then to actually hear them – their books are not only hard to get in modern bookshops, but also getting a proper translation might be challenging (if we’re talking about obscure authors such as Lautréamont, not Nietzsche in whose case the sheer amount of available translations is a problem, not lack of them). On a side note: it’s easier to find books about Borges in bookshops all around me, then his writings.

Anyway, Sontag packs a lot of topics in a very short paragraph of her essay. She says, for example, that:

Unknown outside a small circle of admirers ten years ago, Artaud is a classic today. He is an example of a willed classic-an author whom the culture attempts to assimilate but who remains profoundly indigestible. 

And it’s an interesting sentiment. This indigestible quality of some authors seems to be precisely the factor that still separates certain ideas from the mainstream thought and popular culture. Artaud or Bataille remain resistant to pop-cultural appropriation we’ve seen happening with Nietzsche or Baudrillard – it’s hard to trap them in a cage of regurgitated aphorisms (”And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you”, and others, ad nauseam) or misunderstandings and misconceptions (as in the case of simulacra/simulation and The Matrix – beautifully summarized by Baudrillard himself as: “The Matrix is surely the kind of film about the matrix that the matrix would have been able to produce”).

However, even thought it might find certain things hard to digest, the pop culture (The Mainstream, understood as "what’s acceptable”) never stops in its attempts to consume and regurgitate things that seem dangerous to its existence –– because, it seems, that’s the only approach to preventing its own internal explosion that it knows. I know, it might seem like a juvenile and oh-my-god-how-edgy thought, but at the same time it’s an interesting phenomenon that might prove to be a handy guide in predicting what’s going to be acceptable and treated as normal by the society (or media) in years to come.

Philip K. Dick summarized this cycle beautifully in “Valis”, where he said:

To fight the Empire is to be infected by its derangement. This is a paradox; whoever defeats a segment of the Empire becomes the Empire; it proliferates like a virus, imposing its form on its enemies. Thereby it becomes its enemies.

It’s a beautiful, visceral description of a snake eating its own tail, a cycle that never ends – and of war that’s never going to be won. However, it feels  refreshing to consider whether approaching this problem with a dualistic mindset (even describing it with words such as “the Empire” or “a virus”), isn’t what actually creates this particular problem of an endless loop of attempts of appropriation and regurgitation. Fighting the Empire is what forces it to actually make an effort. 

On the other hand, Sontag says: 

One use of literary respectability in our time and an important part of the complex career of literary modernism-is to make acceptable an outrageous, essentially forbidding author, who becomes a classic on the basis of the many interesting things to be said about the work that scarcely convey (perhaps even conceal) the real nature of the work itself, which may be, among other things, extremely boring or morally monstrous or terribly painful to read. 

It feels like an interesting case to think about – how the names of such authors as Artaud or Bataille live in our culture mostly thanks to things said about their work by other people. People who had more luck in “fighting the Empire” (thus becoming a part of the mainstream, being widely known and, consequently, discarded as mad or boring), and so gained literary respectability/made careers, that allowed them to spread the words of long forgotten visionaries – creating “classics” that everyone knows but nobody reads. It’s like creating a virus that infects a virus: passing on a thought that needs to spend time in other minds in order to bloom. Because even though Bataille or Artaud had dreams of fighting the Empire (be it through revolutionary thinking or a shift towards existence-without-a-project, embracing the void), their influence needed time to infect other minds –– and precisely because their writing is extremely hard to internalize in its whole, it essentially acts like infection. Like an unwanted influence that the mind constantly feels –– and can’t shake off, even though it tries. And so their thoughts still don’t constitute what’s normal (they can’t). They’re still on the sidelines – and here’s a beautiful paradox: thanks to being outside the mainstream, it feels like their influence might only become stronger with time. Because even though they’re not widely read, they’re not, and won’t be, forgotten.

As to the hardship of actually reading them: maybe it’s their degree of introspection that makes them extremely hard to approach with a clear mind and good intentions – to read them is to accept you’re not going to spend time in a pleasurable company of friends, but rather rolling in thorns that somebody laid in from of himself precisely in order to not be approached, read or understood. Or maybe it’s the other way around: it’s only a desperate cry for someone to finally understand, and that – being visceral and gut-wrenching as it turns out to be (at least in case of Bataille) – makes it only worse.

As Sontag wraps it up:

Certain authors be­come literary or intellectual classics because they are not read, being in some intrinsic way unreadable. Sade, Artaud, and Wilhelm Reich belong in this company: authors who were jailed or locked up in insane asylums because they were screaming, because they were out of control; immoderate, obsessed, strident authors who repeat themselves endlessly, who are rewarding to quote and read bits of, but who overpower and exhaust if read in large quanti­ties.

And that seems to be the crucial part: reading them feels like watching them being consumed, eaten alive, by thoughts they couldn’t control – hence the endless repetitions, entire unreadable chapters of their books or lack of focus mixed with heuristics based on knowledge that’s never explained (as if – locked within the author, whereas the whole point was to let it get out, making the whole ordeal of writing a book ultimately a failure). What’s interesting, though, is that maybe precisely this tiresome obsessiveness of Sade, Artaud or Bataille, make them so hard to be appropriated by pop culture in their original form – as if “the Empire” needed other’s people interpretation of their works in order to consume and regurgitate them in an easily digestible format. 

It’s not like it never happened before: when taken to an extreme, the Empire needed Nazis to help it with Nietzsche, and when Nazis failed (because after the War his thinking became more widely understood than ever before), it eventually used Hollywood to preach that he was nothing more than: “a chauvinist pig, who was in love with his sister.”

[theseventhmarch]

Reflection as a figure skating fan on 2017

This year has been an amazing year for me. At the end of 2016, Tumblr has introduced to me YOI, which has been a joy on its own. It has also brought me some friends on Tumblr, @boredjodyc and @pigfarts23. I would like to thank the unclear explanation of quad jumps in YOI, which prompted me to look up “quad Salchow” on YouTube - this led me to Miki Ando and Yuzuru Hanyu.

Edited: 1 January 2018 - minor grammatical errors; additional paragraphs in bold.

It took me about 4 or 5 months before I can confidently distinguish different types of jumps (I was stuck on the difference between the Flip jump and the Lutz jump in the last 2 months of that). Thanks to @pigfarts23 and their Rabbit watch-parties, I found myself falling in love with Yuzuru’s skating, and I “met” @boredjodyc , who is my partner-in-crime for all things Yuzuru then. I couldn’t stream his Four Continents short program live, but I managed to stream his free skate! That was my first introduction to Yuzuru’s emergency layouts. (I'M STILL NOT OVER TRIPLE AXEL AS THE LAST JUMP - AND THIS IS ACTUALLY THE PLANNED LAYOUT THIS SEASON.)

Early March, a few days after my birthday, I created a fandom Twitter account.

Jody was in London late-March and I suggested to meet up! We had afternoon tea (in my opinion it was disappointing) - we talked for 4 hours, if I remember correctly! This was my first time meeting an online friend, and I'm so glad I did it!

World Championships came - I pondered if I should go to Helsinki, but the Men’s Free Skate tickets were sold out on the official site (later I learnt I should have asked around on forums/twitter/tumblr) - and I died over Yuzuru’s knee down on his quad Salchow. Two days later, on April 1st, he broke another record, and it was definitely not a joke.

I jumped and screamed when he landed that quad Sal-triple Toe combo that he struggled with the whole season.

Then, World Team Trophy happened, and the men were popping their jumps left and right. LOL at Yuzuru getting that positive (+0.09) GOE for that single Axel. But it is ok, since it was a joke competition anyway.

I met up with Jody again mid-May at a pub, after she was done gallivanting around Europe, before she was headed back home. (I MISS YOU!)

Off-season, there were many ice shows. Perhaps the most important reveal of these ice shows was that Yuzuru would be repeating his Chopin short program, with a quad Loop and a back-loaded combo: quad Toe-triple Toe. After his reveal (I remember it was during my last exam and I found out about it on my way home), Jody and I frantically calculated all the possible jump layout and base values for his free skate (after staring at the jump layout rules for a while), whatever it may be. We had two different situations on our hands - with or without the quad Lutz. I don't know about Jody, I could tell that the quad Lutz was likely, looking at the base values (and the other competitors). I would realise much later (around December) that the (sad) reason for the inclusion of 4Lz was really unfair score inflation with the other competitors…

Twitter freaked out about some things that happened during the shows, including cat ears and Pooh headbands. The Twitter friends that I was beginning to make indulged in memes, and I tried my best to brush up on my knowledge of figure skating.

In August we heard about the return of Seimei for Yuzuru. Fans and observers had been going crazy with attempting to predict his programs, and what I gained from this was that I could distinguish the fans who were able to predict correctly - which meant, in my mind, that these are the fans who have been following Yuzuru’s journey (and interviews) and who could truly understand Yuzuru’s thought process.

He also told journalists that his jump layout was without 4Lz, that there will be one more quad and one less 3A. I think even a newbie fan like me treated that news with distrust - less 3A??? Are you sure the one who said it was Yuzuru Hanyu, the king of Axels???

Seeing Jody attend a figure skating competition in Hong Kong made me feel like doing the same, so very soon, at the end of August, I decided to go to Italy to watch Lombardia Trophy in mid-September. I decided on this particular competition, not because Yuzuru was there, but because it was the only competition that I could attend throughout. So I spent €€€ and 4 days freezing my butt off in a rink.

I did not regret it - I saw Wakaba skate her new free skate to Skyfall. At her opening pose in the practice run-through, it was love at first sight. Other notable skaters for me: Carolina had a queenly presence both on and off-ice, and Shoma had great speed but his free skate costume was too sparkly (but it looked great on photos).

After coming back from Italy, I decided that I wanted to attend another competition as soon as possible - preferably a competition which would allow me to see more high-level skaters compared to the small competition in Italy. So I picked the Grand Prix event in France - even though it had no Yuzuru or Wakaba in it.

A week after Lombardia, it was Autumn Classic International, the ‘B’ competition that will start off Yuzuru’s season. He (or his team) then revealed he was not going to do the 4Lz because of knee pain - which meant that, yes, the quad Lutz was there all along, he just didn’t want to tell us in August. (A few months later, with the reveal of more footage, I saw some people speculating that during the media day at the Cricket Club, the media likely saw the actual layout with a 4Lz and two 3As.) Because of the same knee pain he wasn’t going to do 4Lo either... And in his short program, with a downgraded layout by substituting 4Lo with 4S, he broke another record. Wow. The emotion I felt was just - joy tinged with disbelief.

I made a decision for some time already that I was not going to go to Moscow, because of the extra complication in trying to get the visa as well as the much higher cost of travel. But Rostelecom Cup - where both Yuzuru and Wakaba were competing - was The Competition that both of my absolute favourites were competing at, so I live-streamed as many as possible during school. Yuzuru’s first GP was always terrible compared to the rest of the season (even if it wasn’t Skate *Chanada*), but he scored the highest among previous seasons’ first GP personal scores! MOST IMPORTANTLY, HE LANDED THE QUAD LUTZ - HIS LEGS FOUGHT SO HARD TO SAVE THAT LANDING, AND IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL JUMP NEVERTHELESS.

Jody went to Cup of China and saw some skaters I would have LOVED to see - Wakaba (again, obviously), Mai, and pairs Sui/Han. Wakaba was PERFECT at the Cup of China - not that she wasn’t perfect at Lombardia - she settled into her new programs much more compared to 1.5 months before.

Then came NHK Trophy. Yuzuru injured his right ankle on an awkward fall from a 4Lz attempt. He tried so hard to compete but he wasn’t able to. So, no NHK Trophy for him, no Grand Prix Final for him. As a fan, I feel really sad that we wouldn’t be able to see his wonderful skating during this period, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, this is the Olympics season and injuries are NOT GOOD AT ALL.

With that disheartened mood, I went to GP France (its name keeps changing in recent years, so everyone kind of gave up on giving it a new acronym) in mid-November, only attending the free skates and exhibition (Saturday and Sunday). I met a fellow Wakaba fan (recent Twitter mutual), Verit, there. Unexpected podium placements in the Ladies led to the two of us agonising over Wakaba’s chances of getting into the Grand Prix Final. I loved Misha’s skating, even though he wasn’t the fastest skater, or a quad jumper. Papadakis/Cizeron was sublime too.

Then, Skate America, the last Grand Prix event before the Final, came. Ashley withdrew due to foot injury (it sounded like an injury easy to recover from, compared to ligament/whatever), and Polina was underscored, and Satoko skated her way to the top of the podium. With that, Wakaba’s in the Final. (Later, Evgenia, who is Wakaba’s best friend, withdrew due to an injury that left her in a cast, and Satoko was in the Final as well.)

At the Final, Wakaba performed… poorly, compared to the other Ladies. Her short program was fine, but her free skate faltered - she popped two triple jumps into doubles. And that’s how it is in the Ladies field now - you need to be perfect to be on the podium.

Then came a bit of rest, when there were no important competitions, before the Two Most Important National Championships That Are Almost Always Held During Christmas Weekends.

My Christmas was bad (I don’t really celebrate it but I treat it as an excuse for food and wine and partying and playing). First, Yuzuru did The Thing where he announced one week before that he just started skating and there was still a bit of pain - the knowledgeable fans could tell straight-away that it was a really long, drawn-out announcement that he would be withdrawing from the Japanese Nationals. Fine, so he officially announced his withdrawal the Monday/Tuesday of the week of the Nationals. His fans (including me) got worried about him not having a competition at all before Pyeongchang - even though there is Four Continents, the time (last week of January, basically 2-3 weeks before the actual competition dates at Pyeongchang) and place (Taiwan) of the competition was not ideal, compared to his current location of training (Toronto: far, and a very different timezone).

Wakaba skated in pain at Nationals - it turned out that she got injured shortly before her short program (but I don’t know how much before, whether the pain was there at GPF), and she ended up in 4th place. The JSF decided to send Satoko and Kaori to Pyeongchang instead, and Wakaba might have tweeted incredibly brave words about aiming for Beijing 2022, but she was crying after the exhibition on Monday.

I spent my Christmas crying, if you can’t tell already. Wakaba’s programs for this season ARE SUPERB, and they won’t be seeing the Olympics… (I’m going to cry again typing this.)

The JSF decided to send her to the World Championships in March though, where she would be fighting alongside Satoko to earn Japanese ladies 3 spots again to the next World Championships (which will be in Japan!). They would have to earn a combined placement of 13 or less, and I’m worried about burnout for Satoko and underscoring for Wakaba. I already got tickets to Milan to see the Ladies FS (as well as Men FS, and exhibition), so I’m glad JSF at least decided to send her to a competition I already decided to attend.

For the Russian Nationals, Evgenia withdrew - from what I hear on Twitter, she was so headstrong about competing at Nationals that the Federation had to send 3 men to persuade her to stay and recover and not to go. They are sending her to European Championships, which will be held in Moscow (so, good for her). The Russian team for Pyeongchang will be decided officially after Europeans. She hasn’t lost a competition in two years so her chances are good.

Yuzuru’s next competition will most likely be the team event in Pyeongchang, which will be 9th February for SP or 12th for FS (Korean time, which is a day ahead for the most of us). Hopefully he will be able to calibrate his training based on his performance in the team event, and perform satisfactorily in the actual Moment. I am hoping he will do the FS while Shoma the SP for team event. Wakaba’s next international competition will be in Milan late March, but I don’t know if she will be going to any regional competitions within Japan (likely not). Hopefully she will be able to recover quickly and prove herself to JSF.

For the new year, I am hoping for The Gold for Yuzuru. I celebrate the Lunar New Year (but it isn’t a work/school holiday in this part of the world), and I will be spending it on watching the Men’s individual competition in unholy hours of the day (damn the US for that time schedule even if the competition is in Korea).

Of course, I wish for the most important thing - good health for Yuzuru. If I’m allowed to be greedy, also: that he will choose to compete for at least another season, and land the quad Axel.

[lil-loucifer]

1-100

Boi

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

Spotify

is your room messy or clean?

It’s been messy since 2012

what color are your eyes?

Brown

do you like your name? why?

I guess it’s alright? I can’t imagine going by anything else, so...

what is your relationship status?

Single

describe your personality in 3 words or less

There is none

what color hair do you have?

Black naturally, normally dyed blue

what kind of car do you drive? color?

Hey guys guess who’s a loser who can’t drive

where do you shop?

Anywhere there’s books or video games

how would you describe your style?

The minimum amount of fucks given

favorite social media account

Probably this shitshow

what size bed do you have?

Average?

any siblings?

One sister

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

I’m not sure tbh??

favorite snapchat filter?

I don’t use snapchat, actually

favorite makeup brand(s)

I don’t know shit about makeup ;-;

how many times a week do you shower?

Five, normally

favorite tv show?

I haven’t watched much TV lately

shoe size?

Like, somewhere between 9-11 in mens

how tall are you?

5′10′’ I think?

sandals or sneakers?

Can I go with boots?

do you go to the gym?

Nope we’re all sedentary here

describe your dream date

I like staying home admittedly

Feel uncomfortable anywhere else

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

Less than twenty, I can tell you that

what color socks are you wearing?

White and gray

how many pillows do you sleep with?

Two

do you have a job? what do you do?

Hey guys guess who’s a useless sack of shit

how many friends do you have?

Not many 

A very precious few

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

Don’t really want to say

whats your favorite candle scent?

I don’t really pay attention to candle scents??

3 favorite boy names

Ehhhh I don’t really care

3 favorite girl names

^^

favorite actor?

Sebastian Stan??

favorite actress?

Uhhhhhhhh

who is your celebrity crush?

I don’t really have one

favorite movie?

Patch Adams!

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

I read a fuckton, but I don’t really have a favorite book. I might go with the Shadowhunter series, but more for the unique lore than the romantic shitshow

money or brains?

Money? Guess who’s shallow

do you have a nickname? what is it?

I got plenty! My favorite one is “Blue”

how many times have you been to the hospital?

Never had to go in for myself.

top 10 favorite songs

In no particular order:

-Bad Moon Rising (Mourning Ritual)

-Breed (Nirvana)

-Raise Hell (Dorothy)

-Don’t Mess With Me (Brody Dalle)

-Bullet With Butterfly Wings (The Smashing Pumpkins)

-Intro (The xx)

-Back in the USA (Green Day)

-Killing in the Name Of (Rage Against the Machine)

-Gay Bar (Electric Six)

-Glitter & Gold (Barns Courtney) 

do you take any medications daily?

Nope

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

Pretty heckin dry

what is your biggest fear?

The irrational fear that everyone I know and love only ever tolerates me and/or hates me or forgets about me as soon as I leave their life

how many kids do you want?

Not many :c Or not at all, I’m shit with kids

whats your go to hair style?

Undercut, but I can never seem to get it right

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

Average, I think

who is your role model?

I have never had a positive role model in my life

what was the last compliment you received?

Something along the lines of “No you dumb shit you’re handsome”

what was the last text you sent?

“thank you”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

I always kinda thought Santa Claus was bullshit growing up, but age eight was around when I actually told my parents

what is your dream car?

I don’t know shit about cars, fam

opinion on smoking?

As long as you can avoid causing harm to yourself or anyone else, I won’t give you shit

do you go to college?

Yeah! Poorly, but yeah

what is your dream job?

Have purpose, make money

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

Suburbs, I guess. 

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

No, not really

do you have freckles?

Not to my knowledge!

do you smile for pictures?

Depends on who’s taking the picture, and what for

how many pictures do you have on your phone?

Several years’ worth

have you ever peed in the woods?

Nope. Never spent enough time in nature to lose my willpower.

do you still watch cartoons?

Hell yeah!

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

Wendy’s sells chicken nuggets?

Favorite dipping sauce?

Ketchup, I guess

what do you wear to bed?

Depends on how unsettled I feel, I guess

have you ever won a spelling bee?

Nope!

what are your hobbies?

Video games and writing.

can you draw?

Poorly, but yeah

do you play an instrument?

Nope!

what was the last concert you saw?

Haven’t really seen a concert before :c

tea or coffee?

Coffee

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Starbucks I guess

do you want to get married?

I dunno, honestly. 

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

H.E.

are you going to change your last name when you get married?

I don’t even know if I’ll get married, fam

what color looks best on you?

Black, I guess? It’s all I’ve been wearing lately lmao

do you miss anyone right now?

Yeah, you.

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Closed, often “locked”

do you believe in ghosts?

It’s kinda hard to say tbh

what is your biggest pet peeve?

I don’t really have any?

last person you called`

My mom, needed her to answer some stuff to fill out a forum

favorite ice cream flavor?

Cookies & Cream or Chocolate Chip COokie dough

regular oreos or golden oreos?

Regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

Either!

what shirt are you wearing?

That’s shitty Punisher shirt

what is your phone background?

A lil pic of a cat one of my favorite artists posted a while ago

are you outgoing or shy?

I am shy as shit, fam

do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yeah! If I tell them it’s okay. 

do you like your neighbors?

Yeah, I guess. They haven’t done anything bad to me, but for most of my upbringing, I never really spoke to them. 

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

Noo I have such shitty personal hygiene 

have you ever been high?

No

have you ever been drunk?

No

last thing you ate?

A s’more flavored Pop Tart

favorite lyrics right now

“What did I ever do to you,

That you should treat me this way?

Is it really such a crime for an angel to speak his mind?

In time I’ll try to shed some light.

If I, were a big boy

I wouldn’t cry

But since I’m not a big boy, 

I’ll have to cry...”

summer or winter?

Winter

day or night?

Night, I guess

dark, milk, or white chocolate?

Milk!

favorite month?

December?

what is your zodiac sign

Cancer

who was the last person you cried in front of?

I haven’t cried in front of someone since elementary school

[aion-rsa]

How Queer Romance Red, White, and Royal Blue Hopes For a Kinder America

http://bit.ly/2VtjJJ4

The West Wing meets Jane Austen in this queer political romance set in an alternate universe where Trump was never elected.

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It's often exhausting to live in contemporary America—and not, generally, the fulfilling kind of exhausting, either. We spend our days at bullshit jobs (she writes, affectionately) making less money than we need in order to get out of debt, contributing to crowdfunding campaigns to pay our friends and colleagues' medical bills, and then we go home and consume stories about how dark an imagined past was or an imagined future will be, pretending the story we're consuming isn't actually about the dystopian world we're currently living in.

I don't think the world is without hope, joy, community, or love—far from it—but I do think nihilism, violence, social isolation, and the abuse of power tend to be the realities of our modern world that are most often reflected back at us through popular culture.

read more: Best New Non-Western Fantasy Epics

Grimdark storytelling is way overrepresented in our pop culture to the exclusion and deprioritization of other, kinder aspects of contemporary life. It actively affects how hopeful we are about our current world and our potential futures, which actively affects how motivated (or not) we are to engage with working towards that future. That's why it's so worth celebrating when pop culture puts something softer in our paths...

Red, White, and Royal Blue is a queer romance novel about the relationship between the U.S.'s First Son and the Prince of England, set in a fictional alternate universe where the president is a divorced-mom Texan Democrat elected in the 2016 Presidential Election. (Can you imagine? Within the pages of this book, you don't have to.) It is emotionally-engaging, politically-soothing, and a whole lot of fun.

Our protagonist is Alex Claremont-Diaz, the brilliant half-Mexican son of his mom the President, who is up for re-election. Unlike his sister, Alex has always seen his politically successful family as a fortunate stepping stone to his own ambitions: namely, his own career in politics, through which he hopes to make the country and world a more just, inclusive place. #goals

read more: Check, Please! — The Queer Hockey Bros Comic You Should Be Reading

The other main character in Red, White, and Royal Blue is Henry, the seemingly stuffy, unfeeling Prince of England. Alex has hated Henry since he met him a few years prior at the Olympics (as you do), but, when the tension between the two causes a PR problem during a royal wedding, they are forced to pretend to be best friends for the 'gram.

This isn't a straight-forward "coming out" story (if that even exists). While Alex is initially surprised by his bisexuality, he doesn't freak out (much) about his attraction to men. He's never afraid that his family will disown him, so much as he is worried how the public knowledge would affect his mother's chances at re-election. As she is running against a bigot with a cornucopia of abuses of power in his history, the stakes are quite high. 

Much of the angst Alex has surrounding this development in the understanding of his own sexuality is about the identity of the man in question—a person he kinda, sorta thought he hated until five minutes ago—rather than that man's, um, manhood. 

The relatively quick progression of Alex and Henry's physical relationship is perhaps one of the most notable differences in telling this story about twenty-something adults for the new adult field rather than about teenagers under the YA book umbrella, the latter of which is often where queer romances tend to be most frequently championed.

read more: Best New Young Adult Books

Alex and Henry are two characters who are much more comfortable in their sexuality, generally, compared to teen characters. While neither character has expansive relationship experience, in no small part due to the added pressure and scrutiny that comes from their fame, they both have a fair amount of dating (in Alex's case) and sexual experience (in both of their cases).

When Alex and Henry first admit their attraction to one another, there is very little waffling in terms of their sexual relationship. It gets steamy and, as they spent more time together, finding time for clandestine hookups on both sides of the Atlantic, Alex realized that it's quite possible he has been misreading his intense feelings towards Henry for a long time. (Spoiler alert: he has been.)

In fanfic slang, if you speak that language, this is the Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Royalty, Fake/Pretend Relationship-ish AU with notes of Families of Choice and depictions of Anxiety that you've been waiting for. It pairs well with Netflix's Knock Down the House documentary, the wonderfully soft hockey bros comic Check, Please, Mackenzi Lee's The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue, and Frank Turner—or all four! Make it a month of hopeful media. I dare you.

read more: Best New Fantasy Books in May 2019

This book made me cry—not because of the excellent, well-written romance at its center (which is both fun and emotionally rewarding), but because it imagines a world in which Trump was never elected, a world in which powerful men who have grown up in power respect and love women, a world in which America's soul is challenged and found whole.

The world of Red, White, and Royal Blue, as touched upon in the book's excellent author's note, is not a perfect one—"still believably fucked up, just a little better, a little more optimistic." When McQuiston began writing the book in 2016, she said it was meant to be "a tongue-in-cheek parallel universe," but, as our sociopolitical cycle progressed, it became an "escapist, trauma-soothing, alternate-but-realistic reality." Oof. 

read more: The City in the Middle of the Night Review

It's hard to truly understand the ways in which most mainstream storytelling is not made for you until you find a story that feels like it is made for you. Red, White, and Royal Blue references Jane Austen, quotes Alexander Hamilton's love letters to Eliza and John Laurens, and obviously thinks Doctor Who is cool. It is a millennially-minded West Wing meets Jane Austen meets the Hallmark Channel meets something much more diverse than anything that has ever aired on the Hallmark Channel. 

Most of all, Red, White, and Royal Blue is incredibly hopeful and empathetic, which is a perspective I am actively trying to hold on to in a world that seems to always be finding new, terrible ways to try to steal it from me. Reading this queer romance political AU felt a bit like coming home: a safe, familiar, cozy place to rest my head for a while. Red, White, and Royal Blue doesn't ignore some of the very scary realities of living in our world right now, but it hopes with everything it has nonetheless.

read more: Best New Science Fiction Books in May 2019

Sometimes, it can feel like we punish ourselves with the pop culture we make and consume, as if engaging with fun, hopeful, or kind storytelling is an irresponsible luxury we can't afford rather than a practice that makes us better equipped for dealing with life's complex, devastating, sustained challenges.

Yes, seeing the ways in which things are bad can be a helpful tool for both conversation and action, especially when grimdark storytelling has something important and specific to say, but it can also often make us feel like we are doing something when we are not—as if watching The Handmaid's Tale is the same thing as taking place in direct actions against institutional misogyny or actively supporting and believing the women in your life. As if watching consuming the "right" media makes us more moral.

I don't need fictional reminders of the ways in which our society is failing; it's all too clear in the world around me. What I do need from stories is hope that there are futures that look different from the grimmest parts of our present extrapolated out into various flavors of apocalypse. I need stories that hope engaging with real-world problems can make a difference, and call that hope something other than naive.

I need stories that fill me up with something other than anger, fear, and desperation, that offer possible solutions or at least sources of comfort in the face of solution-less problems rather than simply pointing out the harsh realities and stopping there, as if there is more skill involved in screaming your pain into the darkness than there is in finding love, healing, and empathy in spite of that pain.

read more: Why We Need The Expanse More Than Ever

"What I hoped to do, and what I hope I have done with this book by the time you've finished it, my dear reader, [is] to be the spark of joy and hope you needed," McQuiston writes in her author's note. Mission so very much accomplished, Casey McQuiston.

Red, White, and Royal Blue is now available to buy via Amazon or your local independent bookstore.

Kayti Burt is a staff editor covering books, TV, movies, and fan culture at Den of Geek. Read more of her work here or follow her on Twitter @kaytiburt.

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Feature Kayti Burt

May 15, 2019

Romance Books

Hopepunk

from Books http://bit.ly/30o3Szm